Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Don't Push Me

Summer colds are the worst and my 3 year old always manages to catch one. I'm especially freaked out this year because of the baby. My mother says "Keep them away from each other." Oh ok. I suppose the baby and I will should move out of the house just to stay away from the 3 year old. It's near impossible to keep them apart. We're all living and breathing (and sneezing) the same air. Then my mother proceeds to say "You know how terrible a cold is for a baby? Their noses are so little and they have a hard time breathing." Thank you mom! Now I'm even more freaked out. She knows I don't handle illness well. If mother knows best, why is mother trying to push me over the edge?

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Joy of 3

It's been quite some time since I posted so let me see . . . where to begin. Baby boy #2 is sleeping through the night. He's 12 weeks old today - woo hoo - and he really is a good sleeper. He's still sleeping now and it's 7:45am. He did wake up at about 5am but was back in his crib by 5:30am. I really can't complain, but of course I will. It is exhausting during the day with 2 little ones. The 3 year old really keeps me going. He gets bored so easily and constantly wants to do something. He is in desperate need of a playmate, someone his own age. The husband and I try to keep him entertained but we have other things to take care of and just can't play with him all day. I have been taking the boys out to parks and playdates, but the baby doesn't always cooperate. Plus it's been very hot lately and I don't want to keep the baby out in the heat for long periods of time. It's a fine balance between reason and insanity when it comes to deciding what to do for the day. Right now I'm trying to figure out if we should head out today. Maybe to a store where it's nice and cool inside. But then I'll only spend money I shouldn't on things we don't need. If we go out early in the day, when we get home the 3 year old wants to know "Now what?" I swear there are mornings when he comes downstairs out of bed and asks me that question. Life is simply constant entertainment for him. Oh to be 3 again!

Friday, July 31, 2009

What Pain?

While I'm in bed last night nursing baby boy #2, I'm watching yet another reality show on TLC about parenting called "5 Under 5." This is about a lesbian couple who have a 4 year old daughter, 2 year old twin boys and are having another set of twin boys, all by the same donor sperm. Interesting to me for some reason. I must have caught the first episode because the pregnant mom was now in labor and giving birth in the hospital. As I'm watching the first baby come out and get swaddled in that infamous hospital blanket, something strange starts to happen to me. I start to well up and tears fill my eyes. What the hell is this emotion I'm feeling?!? No, it can't be. Instead of feeling grateful that I no longer have to go through what this woman is enduring, the pain, the anxiety, I'm feeling that tug at my heart. You know that tug that every mom gets at some point, otherwise she wouldn't be a mom. That longing, that "Awww" moment. All of this as I'm nursing my 2 month old. Hello? He's only 2 months. I swore off having another child after the nightmare I endured for 9 months and then the hideous labor I had. Am I insane? I'll say it again - HE'S 2 MONTHS OLD! He's still a baby - a big, smiling baby, but a baby nonetheless. I'm hoping this was a fleeting moment in time and I don't experience that emotional longing again. You see, this is what happens. Women forget the agony and continue to have more children. I must remember the pain. I must remember the pain. I must remember the pain. If I keep repeating it, maybe it will work.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


I believe I posted a while ago that the Octomom was going to get her own reality show. Honestly, for $250k I don't blame her. That's a lot of money, but that's over a 3 year period. She has 14 children so when you break it down, that's not that much money. If you do the math, that's $5900 per year per child. I think you could easily spend $6k on a child in one year. Do I agree with what she did - having a bazillion children and no job or husband? No, of course not. But at least she's getting paid by a production company and not the taxpayers. I don't want to pay for her 14 children, and I shouldn't have to pay for them. But there's something that stinks about putting your kids on television for entertainment and they have absolutely no say about it. Especially when some of them are disabled. And who knows how many of the octuplets will have disabilities. We'll probably see that unfold on TV each week. That just doesn't seem right. I really shouldn't judge how other moms choose to raise their children. I have days when I'm not the greatest mom in the world. Thank God I don't have cameras filming me though.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Roll Overdrive

Baby boy #2 isn't even 2 months old yet and he already turned over from his back to his tummy for the first time last night. This child just wants to go, go, go. I thought my first was active - yikes! I'm in for it with these two boys. I hope I can keep my cool as they grow up. I fear I'm going to spend the rest of my life yelling "Don't do that!" or "Get away from there!" or "Stop it!" I am, aren't I? I know. It's going to be a l-o-n-g road ahead.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

What's Next?

Baby boy #2 has truly been difficult for me from the get-go. First I had to take meds for high blood pressure during my pregnancy. Then I had to endure 2-3 weeks of an epidural headache. Now I am suffering a breast infection from breastfeeding. Haven't I suffered enough for this child already? I had none of this with the first child, which is probably why I thought having another one wouldn't be so bad. Now I'm taking a round of antibiotics to get rid of the pain and fever I'm experiencing. This has not been a fun summer so far. How much more do I have to endure?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Born Again

The little guy said the cutest thing the other day. We received a gift in the mail for baby boy #2, one of those baby books where you can keep track of everything baby does in the first year or so. My husband kept telling me to do one for the little guy 3 years ago, but I never got around to it. This one that came in the mail is blue with racing cars on it - very cute. So the little guy keeps playing with it. I told him to be careful and not to color on any pages. He asked what it was for. I told him it was for us to keep track of all the things the baby does since he was born. He replied, "I want to be born too." I just love that!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

To Be or Not To Be

There's something rattling around in my brain all day that I thought I'd post here since I can't seem to get rid of it. Maybe writing it will help resolve my issue. In the past week, for the second time, I saw an Oprah episode about mothers and something Cheryl Hines said has been sitting with me ever since. She said when you become a mother your life changes and it never really is the same again. You have to sort of reinvent yourself after becoming a mother. I'm not sure if this is making me feel sad or proud. I liked who I was. I didn't love everything about me. I wasn't working anymore and not sure who I was or what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then 3 years ago I became a mom. Early on I decided I didn't only want to be defined as a mom. I was more than that. There was more to me than raising a son. I realize it is a job in and of itself and an incredibly important one. Probably the most important thing I'll ever do is raise my 2 boys. They will be a reflection of me. That scares me as well. What if they're screw-ups? What if they're cold-hearted womanizers? That's not a reflection of me, is it? I'm not raising them that way. I want to be defined as something more than that lousy kid's mom. So here I am with 2 boys still wondering what I'm going to be when I grow up. I guess I am a mom. But am I a mom first? I've been "me" for so long before I was a mom that it saddens me to think I have to redefine myself. There are things that I still want to do. I'm not exactly sure what they are yet, but I know I desire to do more. I guess being a mom isn't the be all, end all for me as it is for other women. Which is fine. It still makes me sad to think that I'll never be the same person I was before. I feel I'm mourning the loss of "me" while trying to create a new "me" at the same time. Or maybe I just watch too much Oprah.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

10 Reasons Not to Have a Baby at Age 40

As baby boy #2 grows bigger, I've discovered a few reasons not to wait to have a child until you're the ripe old age of 40, or older:

1. You need more naps than your newborn.
2. You'll be 60+ by the time you finish paying for college.
3. You're supposed to be 40 and fabulous, not 40 and frumpy.
4. Your not-so-nubile body requires you to wear "mom" jeans.
5. You're changing diapers when you should be drinking martinis.
6. You hit your prime when your child is a teenager, in his prime.
7. That cruise for 2 to an island destination has morphed into a Disney cruise.
8. You're too old to find comfort in "this is only temporary."
9. You scarf down one meal a day and need a month of exercise to work it off.
10. You can't tell if you're experiencing post-partum or menopause.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Dazed and Confused

Turns out baby boy #2 really enjoys sleeping during the day and waking up incessantly at night. Go figure. The pediatrician tells me to try to keep him up as much as possible during the day. He's a lumpy little meatball who won't open his eyes. How am I supposed to keep him awake. I try to wake him up - he just wants to eat. So I feed him. Then what happens? He falls back to sleep. I know I should be grateful he's sleeping. At least I can get some things done, like post on here, but I really would like him to sleep longer stretches at night. I know he'll eventually turn around and it will get better. I just don't know how long things can go on this way. If babies are supposed to be sleeping 16-20 hours per day, baby boy #2 is up for those 4+ hours at night. He's constantly grunting or crying over night. Right now - you could hear a pin drop he's so quiet. Not a grunt or a groan to be found., but it is only 5:30pm. He's in deep sleep right now and it would be horrible to wake him up. Right? I even tried the bath before bedtime trick last night. I gave him a bath around 7:30pm with the hopes that he'd be stimulated for a while and then he'd be knocked out. He HATED the bath, ate, and fell asleep. I put him down, and he woke up. I rocked him and fed him some more, put him down, and he woke up. This went on for about 1 1/2 hours and then he finally gave in at about 10pm. I thought he, and I, would be down for a nice long stretch. He was up at about midnight. This went on all night. Up, down. Up, down. It's really getting quite tedious. He's eating plenty (I did make reference to a meatball earlier) so it's not that he should be starving and that's why he's waking up. I'm hoping something will change in the next week or two as he gets older/bigger. Either he'll start sleeping longer at night or I'll be much crankier than I am now.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What Was That Noise?

I've forgotten those first few weeks of having a newborn in the house when all they do is grunt while they sleep. I had no sleep last night thanks to baby boy #2, aka the grunting machine. He was making noise all night long. It all came back to me how the little guy used to do the same thing when he was a few weeks old, only his was more of a chirp than a grunt. Baby boy #2 grunts while he's sleeping and while he's eating. Hell, he grunts for no good reason at all. He's like a little bull. He's crying again. I think the little guy woke him up again for the millionth time this week. Oh the joys of motherhood!

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Doe-Eyed Optimists

I organize a meetup group of women that are 35 or older when they have children and am finding it interesting to see how optimistic some are about their pregnancies early on and how quickly they soon deteriorate into immobile lumps waiting to explode. I say this with complete empathy and compassion because I've been there twice. It's a miserable state of existence when you reach the end of your pregnancy, and these newbies are just finding that out. I had one mom-to-be organize a walking group that was to start 3 weeks before her due date. "Are you sure?" I asked the doe-eyed optimist. "Of course. Before I got pregnant I would run 2 miles per day and weight train 3 days per week." Oh, the poor women who just don't realize what a toll being pregnant is and how hard it can be on your body. I am sure there are some women out there who continue to do everything as usual even though they are pregnant. The majority of us, though, find out what suffering is all about. This poor woman wound up contacting me to cancel her walking group because she had bad sciatica. Uh huh - been there. She also said the baby dropped and she's having a hard time walking. Yes - had that. I hate to say "I told you so" but I will. It's really something extraordinary that happens to your body when you're carrying a child. The body must adjust and compensate for things it never had to before. Having gone through it myself, I know how most pregnant women feel and I always give them that knowing smile when I see one. You know the smile - the slight grin with a nod of the head that says "I feel your pain." It's a look only a mother understands, and the doe-eyed optimists will come to understand.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Another Mental Block

Oh my God, having 2 children is killing me!! I am so sleep-deprived I think I'm losing my mind. Baby boy #2 is keeping me up around the clock. Of course, I am partially to blame because for some God-forsaken reason I have decided to breastfeed only. I didn't do this with my first. I let my husband feed him overnight with my first. Don't ask me why I'm torturing myself this go around, but I am. It seems the most I can get out of baby boy #2 is a 3 hour block of sleep. That happened a whopping one time so far - but it's now my benchmark. I usually get the 2 hour block, and honestly, that's just not enough. Even if it's 2 hours here and then 2 hours there, your body starts to react to that lack of continuous sleep. At first, it's a shock to the system so you can kind of deal with it. But when it starts happening on a daily basis, your body starts screaming out "What the hell is going on? Where's the sleep?" That's what I'm dealing with now. My body is starting to shut down because it's so tired. I can literally stand up and fix breakfast for the little guy with my eyes closed. Fortunately I don't remember how long this lasts. I have a feeling it's months - which frightens me. Just another example of how blocking things out enables the population to continue to grow. If moms remembered this stuff, no one would have babies anymore. I can vouch for that!!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Guilt Filled Days

Can someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to get anything done in a house with a 3 year old and an infant? I haven't quite figured it out yet. Baby boy #2 is 2 weeks old today and I'm at a loss as to how to get some rest and get anything done in this house when both boys are either sleeping or occupied. Well the little guy can be occupied, although not as easily these days. He is going through the phase that I was expecting. He's jealous but he loves his baby brother so he takes it out on me. He's in constant need of attention, attention that is near impossible for me to find. As I try to type this blog, I hear him coming for me in the living room. As long as baby boy #2 is sleeping, the little guy wants me to do something, anything with him or near him. I feel awfully guilty just typing this when I should probably be paying attention to him. These days are very difficult for us. He gets angry and does things that upset me and I get angry then instantly upset. I never had this problem growing up - I was the baby. I had 2 older brothers who played with each other and then annoyed the hell out of me when I got older. I have no idea what the little guy is going through or how it feels. I imagine he'll forget about it as soon as baby boy #2 gets a little bigger, but it's hard for a mom to watch now. I have stacks of things to get through, piles of mess to clean up. It all must wait until I figure out some routine that keeps both of my boys, and me, happy. I have a feeling I won't figure it out for quite some time.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Baby Boy Blues

What am I doing? I'm 40 years old. I should be having cocktails not breastfeeding an infant at all hours of the day and night . . . and day and night . . . and day and night. This is the time after pregnancy when the baby blues start to kick in for me. I'm stuck in baby prison with an infant who is incessantly hanging off one of my boobs. How hungry can this child be? And if he is that hungry, after suckling for hours, why doesn't he take longer naps in between feedings? Isn't that what you would want to do after eating for an hour? I'd be good and ready for a nice 3 or 4 hour siesta. Not baby boy #2. Oh no, he's ready to go again in about 2 hours. This is not ample time to grab something to eat and lay down for a snooze. This is ample time to grab something to eat and lay down only to get up in 5 minutes. It's like he knows I'm ready to lay down. He starts to cry as soon as I get comfortable. How does he do that? And why does he do that? Doesn't he realize I'm his food supply. I can cut him off if I wanted. I cut him off last night and gave him a bottle - my boobs needed a rest. I thought this would give me at least 3 hours of sleep. Nope - 2 hours and he's raring to go. I'll ask again - what am I doing? It's funny how the mind remembers what it wants to remember in order to protect the human race. If I honestly recalled how hard it is those first few weeks after delivery, I would not have signed on to do this again. I'm exhausted and I can't think clearly and that damn epidural headache is lingering on through some buzzing in my ears now. I just want to get some sleep, read a book, have a moment to myself. Oh wait, I must've nodded off for a second because those days are a long way off. I have a 3 year old and a newborn. I'll ask again - what am I doing?

Monday, June 1, 2009

Baby Boy #2 Has Arrived

I don't have much time, but I can report baby boy #2 arrived on Monday, Memorial Day after a fast and furious 5 hour delivery. I am incredibly relieved that it is over, but am trying desperately to forget it as well. It seems that everything that could have gone wrong did. It was an extreme case of Murphy's Law. First I waited 45 minutes to be admitted for a scheduled 7am inducement. Then the nurse inserting the needle in my arm for the IV had to try twice to get it in without it feeling like she was driving a nail in - which it did feel like anyway. Then my obstetrician came in and decided to insert a monitor into my vagina. And I thought the IV insertion was painful! Then the contractions started - not so bad at first and then I was in agony. The anesthesiologist came to insert the epidural into my spine and I wound up with a wet tap. If any of you have experienced this, you know how miserable it is. This is when the insertion of the needle punctures a membrane and a small amount of spinal fluid is released leaving your brain to sag. Honest to God that is the truth. My brain has been sagging ever since. On top of that, it felt like the epidural didn't do what it was supposed to do since I was crying in pain with each contraction, which felt continuous at this point. The good news is I went from 3 cm to 10 cm in about an hour. The bad news is I was in too much pain to push. After being topped off with some more pain medication from Dr. Kavorkian, I was able to push. I thought I'd push a couple of times and he'd pop on out. No such luck. I wound up pushing for about 1/2 hour anyway. It was incredibly painful, albeit quick, and I'm still living with a residual epidural headache. Baby boy #2 weighed in at 8 lbs. 1 oz. (I knew he was going to be 8 lbs.) and he's healthy. Very hungry, but healthy. Oh but I'll save the topic of breastfeeding for another day . . .

Sunday, May 24, 2009

No Surprises

I'm getting anxious and I don't like it. There's stuff that needs to get done before you go into the hospital to have a baby, but I seem to be having a problem functioning. So far I've done laundry for the little guy just to make sure all of his clothes are clean in case he starts freaking out for something that's dirty. I've washed and dried whatever was left of the baby clothes that hadn't been cleaned. My bag's been packed for about a week now. I've taken out the bouncy seat and am in the process of washing the cover. By the way, the little guy is taking a keen interest in the bouncy seat. I wonder how this is all going to pan out. I still need to take out the swing and the playpen. I need to do a load of my laundry so I'll have clean clothes when I get home from the hospital and am too overwhelmed to do anything at all. I have to pack a bag for the little guy since I'm not sure how long he'll be at my mom's. I would like to straighten up the house a bit more since I'm going to hate coming home to a disaster area. I think I'm more concerned about the little guy than anything else. He's in for a major disruption of routine, and I want to make it as pleasant for him as possible - which just isn't possible. He has school on Tuesday but I'm not sure yet if he's actually going to make it. I suppose in trying to keep things as normal for him as possible, it would be best if he goes. I don't like knowing when all of this is going to happen - there's just too much to do beforehand and too much to think about. Best to be surprised, but baby boy #2 appears not to be in the mood for surprises.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Induction Minus 2 Days

I went for my final gynecological visit yesterday and scheduled my induction for Monday morning. Ugh - I hate knowing when this will all come down. You know I won't get any sleep on Sunday night because I'll be anxious about the whole thing. What good will that do me? I won't have energy to push this little weasel out. Plus we have to be at the hospital at 6:30am. That's mighty early to get all of us up and out of the house by about 6am. Granted the little guy is up at about 5:30am every morning anyway, but that's still not enough time to get everyone together and in the car. Not sure yet if we'll drop him at my mom's or if we'll have someone come here to stay with him. Haven't quite figured out the logistics just yet. But I'd like to get a shower in before we leave and perhaps a little something to eat since I won't be eating for a better part of the day. A surprise arrival before then would actually be better for me. I don't do well with planned events, especially ones where I'm the center of attention. It reminds me of the night before piano recitals when I was young and learning to play. Or big exams at school, the SATs, presentations at work and now, the delivery of my second child. All cause for anxiety. All turned out okay in the end I suppose, but still, I respond much better to spontaneity. Maybe I'll get lucky this time and baby boy #2 will make a surprise appearance ahead of time. Or maybe he'll stick to the plan and be the obedient child I so long for. The one time I would truly appreciate a little disobedience and it will probably be the one and only time I won't get it.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Boys, Boys, Boys

What is it with 3 year olds and not listening? I have been battling with the little guy all day to "pick that up" or "come over here" all to no avail. He has no interest in listening to me at all. He just walks away. He's been in time-out, his games have been put out of reach on a shelf, and it just doesn't seem to phase him. Right now there is a pile of toys from a bin on the living room floor. He's watching Diego in the family room. I know, I should shut off the TV and have him clean up. But I'm so tired of hearing myself ask him to clean up, I can't even do it again. I just can't. I don't even want to hear it anymore. I'll be pleased if he gets in his pajamas and goes to bed and we start fresh tomorrow. Maybe that's all I can ask for right now. I just foresee a future of 2 boys never listening to me. Plus a husband who's a bit lax in the clean up department. I'm a bit saddened . . . and troubled . . . and saddened.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

No Bed For You

I can't believe I'm 4 days from my due date and I still have not had this child yet. I called the hospital this morning because I was supposed to go in for my final non-stress test, and was told they have no beds again. This is distressing. What if I actually go into labor today? Do I just stay home and have the baby in the living room? Maybe wait in hubby's truck in the hospital parking lot and have it there. Why is there no bed in labor & delivery? How many women are pregnant in this area? And all having babies at the same time?? Come on. This is the 2nd time in 2 weeks that this happened. There can't be that many pregnant women around here. I don't see them. Where have they been hiding? I've been out - food shopping, clothes shopping. I don't see you anywhere. I'm starting to wonder if there really are no beds available. How can that be possible anyway? Shouldn't there be enough for emergency situations? Like for me if I go into labor today. This just makes me more nervous about the whole situation. And, quite frankly, I don't like it. I want a nice room overlooking the river - just what I was promised for Christ's sake. This is why I wanted an induction days ago. But no, let's make the old pregnant woman suffer longer and on top of that make her worry that she won't even have a bed to deliver the baby in. Nice. Thanks. Just what I need - another reason for my blood pressure to go up.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Due Date Minus 5 Days

In an effort to find some sort of positivity in my miserable daily existence, I am listing my Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Glad I STILL Didn't Go Into Labor:

1. More distance between the little guy's birthday and baby boy #2's birthday
2. The weather's nicer and it's warmer out
3. One day closer to swine flu going away
4. Friends are calling more frequently to check on how I'm doing (aka pity)
5. The car seat is still not in the car
6. My nightly wake-ups are due to discomfort, not screaming
7. My husband is finally expressing sympathy for my condition
8. The cold we've passed to each other seems to have gone away
9. One less whining male in the house
10. I actually got to watch a full season of all my TV shows

Monday, May 18, 2009

Due Date Minus 7 Days

I went for what was hopefully my last round of bloodwork and 24 hour urine sample drop off this morning. I go to LabCorp so frequently I feel like they should know me, but for some reason they don't. That's ok - I really don't want to go back there again anyway. I am very tired today. Sleeping is getting much more difficult. The weight of my baby belly is pulling me when I lay down on my side so I'm just too uncomfortable to stay in any position too long. I don't want to sleep sitting up, but during the day I could . . . and sometimes do if the little guy gives me a few minutes to close my eyes. I had a very fitful sleep and then I was up early because I couldn't even try to get comfortable anymore. I think I'm even too tired to hear myself complain. Now that's something unusual for me.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Am I the Only One?

In the past 6 hours, my husband has spoken with 3 different women who have had children. When they asked how I was doing considering I was fast approaching my due date, my husband told them I was miserable with all the kicking and the discomfort. When asked if they experienced any sort of the same problems towards the end of their pregnancy, they each responded, "No." One of them worked right up until the end of her pregnancy and actually said it was an easy pregnancy. Hate her. Another said she had some discomfort but nothing awful. Hate her, too. The other really didn't profess anything profound, just like it was another day. And I hate her as well. Is it just me? Am I the only one suffering with an alien child and limbs coming out in every direction? Am I carrying the most active child ever known to mankind? Is my body just not built for carrying another person inside? These are the thoughts dominating my existence today . . . and it's really starting to make me angry. Please, for the love of God, tell me there's somebody else out there who's suffered at the end of their pregnancy. It's just not fair.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Due Date Minus 9 Days

I took my miserable, cranky, uncomfortable, unable to walk self to the high risk group of doctors yesterday for my final ultrasound. And it better be final - I just can't take anymore of this. The tech does her thing - pushing and poking and moving that thing around to get the shots she needs - and does her measuring and her commenting. All the while I'm writhing in pain because she's pushing that tool down pretty hard on my belly button (which is basically non-existent these days but still hurts) and baby boy #2 is moving around in a space where there is just no room to move around. There are limbs and hineys poking out of my abdominal area at random moments during the scan - talk about uncomfortable. Amniotic fluid looks good, heartbeat looks good, head is down and face is down. Everything looks good. OK, that's a relief. Then the doctor comes in. A man. And let me preface this again by saying he's a man . . . who's never had a baby. He takes that damn tool and starts pushing and poking around to see the baby and now baby boy #2, for some reason, is really moving around in there. Every once in a while, the doctor says, "Ooh. That was a little kick." or "Yeah, he's moving around in there." NO KIDDING!!!! I'm in agony here. Can you please help me out? Dim wit thinks I'll be back for another scan in 2 weeks. Uhm, if you look at my chart again, you'll see I'm due in 10 days. So he figures since this will be the last scan, he better get a baby measurement. More poking and prodding, more writhing on my part and then he comes back with 7 lbs. 7 oz. OK, now I start to get nervous. The little guy was 7 lbs. 2 oz. and that was fine. If baby boy #2 is already bigger, I'm in trouble. I don't want a big baby. I want a healthy baby but not a big baby that's just not gonna fit through my tunnel. You ladies understand. Then the doctor does something I consider to be really stupid. He starts talking about pre-eclampsia and that the blood pressure pills I'm taking could be masking any pre-eclampsia I might have and that I could have seizures if I did have pre-eclampsia. This MAN has apparently no common sense when it comes to dealing with a miserable, cranky woman who is 39 weeks pregnant. Does he think I want to hear about anything else that could potentially go wrong? Do I want to hear about seizures when I'm hanging on by a thread here? I'm looking for inducement and you're giving me a death sentence. WTF is wrong with this MAN???? Then he says "But everything looks ok so I guess you'll just finish out until your due date." Thanks the F*#@ a lot, moron. Now I'm completely freaked out that I could have pre-eclampsia but the meds are hiding it and I could also have a seizure at any given moment. On top of that, if I don't have a spontaneous seizure, I have to push out a large child - which is going to be painful. The next 9 days should be great! It'll be smooth sailing until my due date thanks to you, you friggin' knucklehead. I want sympathy, compassion, mind-easing. Not hard up facts about worst-case scenarios. But then again, this is a man I'm dealing with. Need I say more?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Waiting For a Miracle

I went for my 2nd non-stress test this morning praying for a miracle that someone somewhere would recommend inducement, but no such luck. "Everything looks great!" said the nurse who administered the test. Super. "Ok, so we'll see you next week," she said. Fantastic. Don't get me wrong - I'm eternally grateful and thankful that everything is fine with baby boy #2. I'm just beyond the point of being miserable. I can't walk - I shuffle along. I can't really eat - there's just no room in there. When the baby starts moving around, I could cry out in pain. He's hitting ribs and there are limbs sticking out in all directions at the same time. And now I'm constantly wondering if I'll know I'm in labor so I'm looking for symptoms. Since I was induced with the little guy, I don't know what to expect if I spontaneously go into labor. I'm waiting for my water to break or some major contractions to occur. I don't know what I'm doing. It almost feels like the first time all over again. I go tomorrow to see the high risk group (since I'm 157 years old with borderline high blood pressure) and I'm looking for some sort of mercy. If I could have the baby this weekend, I will be the happiest person on the planet . . . for now.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What If . . .

I'm catching the little guy's cold and I feel like crap. Being 38+ weeks pregnant, I'm getting nervous about being sick while delivering baby boy #2. What exactly happens in those instances? Do I have to wear a mask so the baby won't get sick? Won't that freak him out? The first time he sees his mom, I'll have a mask over my face like Michael Jackson. Even I'm freaked out just thinking about it. Will I be strong enough to push during labor? I imagine the adrenaline will kick in and I won't even feel like I have a cold. But what if I'm wrong? I can "what if" all day when it comes to illness. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. I know - not good when you have children. I was hoping I'd be over it by now, but I don't think I am. I knew it would be inevitable that I would get his cold. Even dear hubby started sneezing last night. He's usually immune to everything, but it seems the little guy can take the big guy down. So I started looking up similar stories online about women who were sick with colds during labor. I read about one woman who coughed during labor and the baby's head popped out. I'm conflicted about that. On the one hand, that was easy. On the other, that freaks me out. When I was sick all winter (and I do mean all winter) with a sinus infection, I would feel afraid at times that I was pushing the baby down with all my coughing. If I start coughing now, I will be paranoid the child's head will suddenly appear. Talk about being freaked out. Then I worry about the little guy being sick around a newborn. How does that work? Do I have to keep them away from each other? Talk about bad first experience - for both of them. What about the hubby? Can he hold the baby? What about my mom? She's so susceptible to everything I'll be afraid to let her in my hospital room if I'm still sick. See what I mean? I can literally go on all day with this. Best to just sit tight and wait it out. If you wait long enough, things tend to work themselves out. At least that's what I'm telling myself right now. But what if I'm wrong?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Once Upon a Time

I sometimes reminisce to a time about 15 or so years ago when I was in the thralls of bar-hopping and clubbing. Sometimes I'm relieved those days are over. That was when people could still smoke in bars and clubs in New Jersey so I always came home stinking like smoke. I would have to air out my jackets and pocket books and put my hair up off my face over night so I wouldn't be inhaling the smell of smoke while I slept. And then there was sleep - or lack thereof. If I went out on Wednesday nights, as was popular at the time, I would average about 4 hours of sleep before I had to get up for work the next day. That was rough . . . and yet I continued to do it . . . for years. There was something great about going out with a couple of girlfriends, watching a band play, drinking a couple of beers and having a good time. Sometimes I miss those days. I don't get much of a chance to go out now since having the little guy and being pregnant, but my husband is out just about every weekend. He plays guitar in a band as a hobby and I have gone to see him, just not lately. And I have to say, things are different than they were 15 years ago. My girlfriends and I used to dress to kill - I mean we looked HOT. I would say 99% of the time, we were in little dresses or skirts with heels or boots. Once in a while even shorts with boots - which always worked on the guys. But now, well let's just say the girls go out wearing what they had on all day. That means jeans, a shirt and sneakers or flip flops. I get it, it's more casual now than back in the early 90s. But how about a little effort, ladies. There are so many cute clothes out there, why not look good? Why not make the effort? And I'm not saying for the guys. Who cares about them. For you. Look good because you can. Because now is the time. When you're stuck at home with kids spitting up on you or painting your shirt, that's when you wear something casual. I would LOVE to get dressed up and go out to a club to see a band. Hell I'd probably go shopping just for that night out. Put on a cute little top (once the baby fat is gone of course) and a cute little skirt and maybe some boots or some awesome wedges. Oh to be young and in the clubs again. These girls don't realize they're wasting a prime opportunity to look good. I'm making a pledge that once baby boy #2 finally arrives and I lose the baby fat and I find a sitter that I trust, I'm going to see my husband's band play for an hour or two and I'm going to look hot again. For me . . . and maybe a little bit for him too. But mostly for me. Maybe seeing a hot 40 year old will inspire these girls to want to look good. Or maybe they'll laugh. Either way, I'll feel good knowing I can still pull it off. And I will.

Quiet Mother's Day

Mother's Day didn't exactly turn out as planned. We were supposed to go to my mom's for lunch but the little guy decided he would come down with a wicked cold the night before. I couldn't chance bringing him around my mom, who is a combined cancer and heart patient. She's too susceptible to illness and shouldn't risk being around anyone sick. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I shouldn't be around her either since I've been face to face with the little sick guy for days and who knows what I'm carrying. So Mother's Day was yet another day at home, feeling huge and miserable, with the little sick guy and dear hubby. It wasn't a bad day, just an uneventful day. I did get what I asked for months ago - a cascading solar fountain for our backyard - plus a Scrabble game to play on my Nintendo DS while in the hospital. I was pleased with the gifts, pleased that the little sick guy followed my husband around all day giving me some peace and quiet, and pleased that all seemed right with the world. Now if only the constant moving being inside my belly would come on out and join us, all would be right with the world.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Conflict of Interest

For the past 2 days, I've been wanting to write about the Elizabeth Edwards interview on Oprah . . . but I'm conflicted. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. On the one hand, I feel like the woman is in denial. Her husband tells her he had an affair, but it only happened once. A year and a half later, he tells her it was more than once. Uhm, could you have waited any longer to tell her that oh so important piece of information? Just when she's trying to rebuild trust with him, he decides to tell her he lied yet again. WTF??? That's bad enough for any woman to deal with, but here's a woman with terminal cancer. Like she doesn't have enough to worry about - she's dying, she has young children, and now a philandering husband. Super! It really doesn't get much worse. Oh wait, yes it does. The "other woman" had a baby and nobody knows if it's his. WTF???????? Here's where the denial part comes in. Elizabeth doesn't know or want to know if it's her husband's baby since it doesn't affect her life. Of course it does. If it is his baby, which we all know it is, he has to support it and that support is taken away from you, thereby affecting your life. Here's where my conflict kicks into gear. Part of me just wants her to find some strength from somewhere to bash his head into the wall and say "What the hell is wrong with you? I'm dying!!! You're supposed to love and support me until death do us part, you lousy bastard." But this woman, apparently, is not the type. And when she explained herself and her thought process, the other part of me could kind of understand why she chooses to stay with him. Here's my interpretation of what she's thinking: She's dying. She needs someone to take care of her. She needs someone to take care of their children. Sometimes it's just easier to overlook the indiscretions to get by. She's not allowing this indiscretion, however big it may be, to define their life. Like I said, I kind of get that. Kind of. I just don't know how you ever forgive a man who kicks you when you're down. And it's really more than a kick. It's a karate chop to the heart. How do you stay married to that person? Why do you stay married to that person? Maybe I'm naive because I've never had that happen to me. I hear stories of women who choose to ignore the fact that there's another woman and are just happy their husbands are coming home to them. That I don't get. Why would you want him to come home? Why do you make it easy for him? Why is that behavior tolerated? It's not okay to treat your wife like that. But there's a catch. Here's what Elizabeth Edwards said that stuck with me. She, of course, blames her husband for what he did but she also said women need to respect other women. It takes work to build a marriage, to build a home, to have a family. It's not right for another woman to come along, like what she sees, push you out of the way, and take what she wants. This gave me pause. She's worked hard for many years to build a life with this man and it's not fair that someone else should be able to come in and take that away. So she's not letting that happen. She's choosing to hold on to that life and not give it to someone else. Maybe that's a lesson for all of us. Maybe we should respect what others have. Maybe I wouldn't be so quick to let some other woman come in and take over what I've worked so hard to accomplish either. Maybe I'm not so conflicted after all. Or maybe I'd still bash his head into the wall and say "What were you thinking?"

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Perfect Shirt

I can't seem to find any clothes that I'm comfortable in these days. My maternity clothes just don't fit me right. They seem so tight and make me look humongous. Actually, I am humongous. Then there are the clothes that seem to flatter one part of my anatomy right now that doesn't need to be pointed out - my belly button. I HATE the protruding belly button. Not only is it hideous to look at, it hurts. My belly button hurts when an article of clothing breezes over it, never mind my 3 year old saying "Mommy, what's this?" and touching it. That just gives me the heebee jeebees. So in an attempt to still look kind of cute, I stopped at Marshall's this morning after dropping the little guy off at school. I was in desperate need of tops and, fortunately, there are lots of loose-fitting tops for sale out there. As I perused the aisles, I thought JACKPOT. Lots of big, comfy shirts. I put about 5 of the biggest ones I could find in my cart, then I stopped to check out some big flowy dresses and put 3 of them in my cart. I was feeling good. I was getting that rush I used to get from shopping. In an effort to avoid sweating to death and becoming completely exhausted, I figured I would just buy everything, bring it home and whatever didn't fit or look right, I would just return. I got home and started the fashion show. First one was too tight - Mr. belly button was on display. Return pile. Next, not sure if I like it when it's on. Unsure pile. Next, not too bad. Keep pile. This went on for a few minutes until, at the bottom of the bag, there it was. The perfect shirt. I took it out, put it on and voila! I looked great for a 9 month pregnant woman. It was so comfortable and hung so beautifully, I'm still wearing it now. This is now my favorite shirt. I don't even think I want the other stuff. I think when I return everything else, I'll just pick up more of the perfect shirts. My shopping trip was a success - one perfect shirt. What more can a woman ask for?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Boy's Mom

In an effort to feel better about having 2 boys, I've decided that maybe, just maybe, I'm a boy's mom. Here are the reasons I've come up with so far as to why I think I'm a boy's mom:

1. I like the color blue.
2. I like watching sports.
3. I don't mind getting dirty.
4. I don't mind a room or two being messy - it's the whole house I'm taking issue with.
4. No PMS - my own is enough.
5. I have no patience for whining.
6. I can only coddle for so long - then it gets old.
7. Eating disorders are just too stressful.
8. I like thinking I'll have big, strong boys to watch over me when I'm older.
9. I prefer strange boys coming to the house to play with my son not date my daughter.
10. I look forward to being the queen of the castle, without a princess right behind me.


So yesterday was my non-stress test at the hospital in labor & delivery. This is what I was apparently stressing about for several days now. This was BLISS! First of all, labor & delivery was so quiet you would think you just entered a library. There were no deliveries going on while I was there, and if there were, they were c-sections. I walk the long corridors (very long) and followed the nurse to my room. It was a lovely, quiet room with a view of the river. After the nurse hooked my belly up to the monitor, I laid in that bed with no lights, no TV, just the sound of baby boy #2's heartbeat and felt . . . completely relaxed. For the first time in years, I was alone in a room with no child, no husband, no mother, no one chatting me up or asking me questions or yelling at me to wake up. This was a mini-vacation that I truly had not expected. Granted it only lasted an hour, but this was the best hour I could remember in a long time. Who would've thought going to the hospital would've proven to be such a wonderful experience? I'm looking forward to next week's non-stress test for another mini-vacation. Sad, but true.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Excuses, Excuses

So the little guy is 3 and he's still wearing pull-ups. I almost feel like a failure except I have an excuse - I'm pregnant. I don't know how good of an excuse it is, but it is MY excuse. I'm honestly too tired to stay on top of the whole potty thing. And I know I'll be tired after baby boy #2, especially with no sleep, but it's a different tired. When I'm pregnant, I can wake up after sleeping for hours and feel exhausted. I can be rested, fed and basically in a good mood (that is so rare I don't know why I typed it) and yet still exhausted. I always said that the only time I felt good when I was pregnant was when I was sleeping. Pathetic way to live 9 months of your life, but that's pretty much how it goes for me. What would possess me to do that more than once? I really can't say, but ask me again in a few weeks. So that's the story I'm going with as to why the little guy is still in pull-ups. Maybe when he sees his baby brother wearing diapers, he'll decide to use the potty. Is that unrealistic? Probably. But that's all I've got right about now.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

A Match Made in Hell

I think I'm going to start shopping at WholeFoods Market. We had some subs left over from the little guy's party yesterday and I was DESPERATE for one. I haven't had any cold cuts or tuna since getting pregnant. Usually I'm not a big sandwich girl, but when I found out I couldn't have any because of listeria (please), I wanted one. Since these left over subs were cut into quarters, I figured there could be no harm in having just a little tuna and cheese. I took a bite. Wow - that tasted good. But something in the back of my head was chirping at me. I know about the mercury-tuna situation. When I was pregnant 3 years ago with the little guy, I was able to have tuna but only once a week. This time, absolutely no tuna was the advice from my ob/gyn. WHAT??? Isn't this all getting a little extreme? I'm hungry for Christ's sake. Aren't you supposed to be able to eat whatever you want when you're pregnant and not feel guilty? Why couldn't I get pregnant 10 years ago when none of this was an issue? That's another issue. So that nagging chirp in the back of my head led me to the computer to look up mercury in tuna. I found a recent article, from 2009, that stated there was mercury in high fructose corn syrup. WHAT?? High fructose corn syrup was being processed in mercury. I don't claim to even understand exactly what that means but I do know it's not good. What the hell is going on? My husband has been trying to avoid high fructose corn syrup for at least a year now and has been finding it difficult. That damn syrup is in EVERYTHING. Couple that with mercury and that is sending me to Whole Foods. I don't even want to know the crap I've been eating for the past 40 years and the damage it is doing to my body. Does it taste good? Absolutely? Do I want to know why it tastes so good? No. Because then I won't eat it. Especially since I'm trying to form a child in my belly. Sometimes the less you know, the better. And I'm usually that girl. What I don't know won't hurt me. Let me just live my life. But this time, I put the rest of that tiny tuna sub back in the fridge and started to worry about all the things I've eaten over the past 9 months that contain high fructose corn syrup AND mercury. Suddenly I wasn't that hungry anymore.

It's All in the Presentation

It's been a long weekend. Friday I had to go for an ultrasound at the high risk group just to make sure everything was ok with baby boy #2 since my blood pressure has been on the rise. Turns out everything is fine and baby boy #2 already weighs just over 6 lbs. I'm pleased all is well, it is a relief, but I'm afraid he's going to be a tad too big for me by the time I deliver. The little guy weighed 7 lbs. 2 oz. when he was born and that was fine for me. Much bigger than that, and I start to get a little nervous. As long as he's healthy and he can squeeze on out, I'm ok. I'm praying for a smooth delivery, and a speedy one. After the scan, I went to pick up the little guy at my parents' house. It was a balmy, humid day and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I listened to my body and just laid down for about an hour. There went my Friday afternoon of getting anything done. And believe me when I say I needed to get things done - Saturday was the little guy's 3rd birthday party. I'm not sure what possessed me to have a "small" party for him (oh who am I kidding, it was guilt) but I invited immediate family only, which consisted of about 10 people. That was more than enough. I didn't cook - pizza, subs, cake and cookies - but I felt like I did. This is one of my problems: I tend to stress about having people over the house. I feel the need to have everything in order and present them with a lovely display of food and entertainment. My husband does not feel the same: straighten up, put out some snacks and let them entertain themselves. He's definitely the yin to my yang. Anyway, I picked up the cake in the morning, came home to clean and was still trying to put out some snacky food when guests started arriving. Then the pizza and subs were delivered. The the little guy started opening presents - which I didn't even see on account of the food presentation I was working on. I tend to get caught up in the details instead of just going with the flow. I think I was born that way. I worry. I overthink. I plan. And then I don't enjoy. I will say I'm much better than I used to be, especially since the little guy came along. My house is not a showroom. I order food instead of trying to make it. I clean up after the party instead of during (my husband will still disagree with that). And the funny thing is I love having people over. I want to have company over more than I don't. I thought I would be more limited in what I could do and how long I would last since I am 9 months pregnant, but somehow I managed. I was exhausted at 7pm after everyone had gone home. My sciatic nerve was shot. I could barely walk. But I think it went well and I pulled it off. The little guy was happy . . . and that's all that really matters anyway.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ughhh . . .

Today was not a good day. I had an appointment this morning with the hypertension specialist. I've been seeing him for months now and my blood pressure has always been great when he checks me. Today, not so great. He decided it was time to put me on medication to bring it down. I have 3.5 weeks to go and I have to go on meds. I'm really unhappy about that. I'm not great with copping to the fact that I can't handle this pregnancy without drugs. I was hoping meditation would help, but who has time to meditate with an almost 3 year old running around all day. The second I close my eyes, I hear "MOMMY, WAKE UP!!!" It's just not possible to meditate. So then I head off to the ob/gyn for my weekly check, and find out the baby's in position (ok so that's good) but I have to start weekly non-stress tests . . . at the hospital . . . in labor & delivery . . . did I mention WEEKLY from now until delivery? This should be called a stress-inducing test, not a non-stress test. Basically they hook my belly up to a machine to check the baby's heart rate and function. No, no stress at all there. And I have to go to labor & delivery for this. Completely stress-free. I just want to have this child already. I feel like my body has had enough. The doctor's aren't that concerned just yet, but they're being very cautious. Unless I start spilling protein into my urine, I won't be induced. And now that I'm on blood pressure meds, that might not happen. Ok, whoever is listening - I'M READY NOW. It's ok. The nursery's not done, but so what. The car seat's not in yet, but so what. The little guy's birthday party is this Saturday, but so what. I just want to feel good again. I don't want to put either of us in danger. If I ever write about having another, someone please write me back and remind me of my misery. I'm just too old for this crap.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Today was a good day. I FINALLY got a haircut and highlight. I've been in desperate need of a cut and highlight for the past few weeks but have been putting it off for as long as possible since I know as I get closer to delivery date and the baby arrives, I won't be able to get anywhere near my hairdresser. I feel much better knowing I look much better. Second of all, the new dryer arrived and was installed. There was a glitch with the install but I am assured by dear hubby that he will take care of it. In the meantime, it is hooked up and I did a load of laundry and dried it successfully. Finally, dear hubby decided to take the car seat out of the attic when he got home from work tonight. No prompting from me at all. He just went up and brought it back down. Tada - all done. Now it just needs to be put in the back of my car and baby boy #2 can come home safely. I'm attempting to focus on all the good things that went on today instead of, well, everything else in my life and on the news. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and don't want to focus on the bad or troublesome stuff since that might raise my blood pressure. Instead, I will see only the good that went on, and it was quite a bit. See - it was a good day!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Stress and the Suburbs

I have to admit every once in a while I start to feel like Carrie Bradshaw while I'm blogging. Except my life is a little different from Sex and the City. I don't live in the City, but I used to live in Jersey City. I'm not writing about sex and finding happily ever after, I'm blogging about what happens after sex . . . and reality. I don't have 3 "fabulous" girlfriends with man troubles, I have many mom friends with kid problems and husband issues. I don't drink martinis, but I have been to a martini bar, once, years ago. I haven't played Twister with Jon Bon Jovi, but I have dreamed about it. I do own a pair of Manolo Blahniks, but they're 2 sizes too small since I bought them before I ever got pregnant. I've never been to Fashion Week, but I love Project Runway (where is that show???). I don't smoke cigarettes, but there are days when I think smoke is coming out of my ears. I don't meet my "fabulous" friends once a week over breakfast to update them on my latest sexcapades, but I do try to organize a mom's day out brunch once every other month to complain about my miserable pregnancy. And finally, I don't stress about Mr. Big, I have the little guy. Now that's stress . . . and the suburbs.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Back to Normal

So here I am one day appreciating everything I have since my house wasn't torn down by a tornado and I have central air conditioning, and I wake up the next day with sciatica that just won't quit. I have horrible pain from my right butt cheek all the way down my thigh, and I can barely walk today. How, please tell me, how am I supposed to be appreciative of that?? Not only can I barely walk, I can barely stand. I'm leaning on furniture, counter tops, the little guy, all day long. And you know what else? No food tastes good to me today. Nothing. Even the foods I usually enjoy - cheese popcorn, chocolate - just tastes blah. I know my ob/gyn told me that the end of the pregnancy mirrors the beginning, but come on. I've got 4 weeks to go and I have no appetite? That just doesn't sound right. Especially when I REALLY love chocolate. How can chocolate not be appealing? I pray to God that when I have my daily dish of ice cream later tonight it still tastes fantastic, or I'm just gonna cry. I'm not even joking. These are my comfort foods. Do you hear that baby boy #2? I need my comfort food. It gets me through to the next morning. I'm not depriving you of anything so please, just let me enjoy my ice cream and we'll get along just fine when you get here.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Mother Knows Best, For Now

As I was whining to my mother this afternoon about how uncomfortable I was, how this "mini-heatwave" wasn't for me, she reminded me that things could be worse. My mom always has a way of minimizing how bad things are now and how much worse they could actually be. I suppose this is a technique to make me feel better and appreciate what I have. Today it worked. She reminded me of the news this morning about the tornado that hit a town in Kansas overnight, wiping out people's homes, their entire lives gone. "Imagine that," she said. "Everything you have gone. No home. No clothes. Nothing." That helped put things in perspective pretty quickly. Then she went on to tell me that women years ago had babies in the summer all the time with no air conditioning in their homes. They traveled to the shore, where it was cooler, in cars with no air conditioning. Sat in traffic, to and fro, sweating. "You don't realize how lucky you are, Debbie," she said. "You leave your air conditioned home, get in your air conditioned car and reach your next air conditioned destination." Geez, am I spoiled? I'm just trying to stay comfortable. I am an extra 30+ pounds heavier these days, I'm a little hot and I'm just looking for a little relief with modern day amenities. And then she said, "People didn't realize what they were missing because they never had it. Nobody had air conditioning so they didn't know what it would feel like to have it. They just went about their day and did what they had to do." After our conversation, I took a shower, got dressed and went about my day. You know what? I stopped focusing on how miserable I felt and how hot it was. I began to appreciate the things I have. My air-conditioned home and car. The clothing on my huge belly. The laughter of the little guy in the family room. And I felt better . . . for now. I guess sometimes mother does know best.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Never Happy

I was so looking forward to the warm weather and now that it's here, I feel like someone punched me in the face. This is what typically happens in New Jersey. We go from very chilly to freakin' hot. I believe it reached 88 degrees today, and I was not a happy camper. I have NO maternity clothes for the summer. The little guy was born in early May so I managed to get by with just capri pants and short sleeve shirts. I was in desperate need of shorts and a loose tank top today. And I mean DESPERATE. Fortunately I managed to squeeze my butt in a pair of shorts that I've had for years and tops I bought last year were already big and flowy so I slid my humongous belly under one of those. I can't believe how hot it was, and I can't believe how hot my house still is. I think it's about 83 degrees right now in my living room. I'm sitting in front of an open window that's providing the only cross-draft in my house so every few minutes there's a breeze that I stop typing for and just enjoy. God bless all you women who are pregnant through the summer months. I would never survive. I would never leave the house. I would sit in the air conditioned rooms all day and eat ice cream. Actually, that doesn't sound so bad now that I think about it.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Grand Slam

It's finally warm enough here in New Jersey to use the sliding screen door out onto our deck in the backyard. I've been waiting for this for a year. I love when the weather gets warm and the trees sprout and the flowers shoot up and the windows are open. This year it's a whole new experience for the little guy. He remembers last summer playing outside in the yard but this year is entirely different. He's big enough to actually use the screen door - and he LOVES to use the screen door. In and out, in and out, in and out. All day long I hear the slam of the screen door. I think he's experiencing a sense of independence for the first time. He can go out and come back in all by himself. He goes out and knows we're right on the other side of the screen. We can hear everything he's doing and, I suppose, he can hear us too. I love sitting inside and hearing him run up the stairs and across the deck and then the slide of the screen door followed by the "slam." I always hated the slam of that screen door but now it's my new favorite sound. My little man is growing up and has found some freedom. It makes me smile.

Dryer Delay

I made it half way through completing another load of laundry for baby boy #2 when my dryer decided to kick the bucket. It won't dry at all. We've been talking about getting a new dryer for a couple of months now and procrastination has again led to a road of rushing. Trying to find a dryer that's energy efficient, inexpensive and available asap has turned into a serious project. I've spent the past couple of days researching dryers and I couldn't tell you which one was best. I'm more confused now than if I would have simply walked into a store and picked the one that didn't cost a fortune and could actually dry my clothes. We're worried about dimensions and energy star compliance and moisture sensors. I'm reeling with too much information about this appliance. Let's just pick one and move on so I can actually get the nursery ready. I found a convenient excuse to put it on the back burner, and I don't want to do that. I want to finish this project and get on with the next. I am about 4 weeks from the delivery date and KNOW the nursery will not be done. Even if baby boy #2 doesn't have a room to sleep in, he at least needs clean onesies to wear.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Just Answer the Question

Did someone ever ask you a question and you need to tell the preamble in order to explain the answer to the question? It's basically called conversation, otherwise there would be one word answers to every single question asked and no conversation at all. There are people that just don't have time for that I guess. They ask a question and only want the answer. No need to explain yourself, no need to set the scene, no need for any extra fluff. And when you start to provide some extras before they hear an answer to the question, they cut you off. I think that's just plain old rude. Here's an example:

Questioner: "How was your doctor's appointment?"

Responder: "Interesting. I was in the waiting room and ran into someone I haven't seen in about a year who just moved to the next town over and she's 3 months pregnant and . . ."

Questioner: "Stop. How's the baby? Is the baby ok?"

Believe me, I've had days when I just want someone to answer my question and stop chatting away, telling me their life story when I simply asked if it was warm outside. But most of the time, I enjoy adult conversation. I like the scene to be set. I like the build up. Especially when I'm home with a 2 year old all day. So when someone rudely interrupts my conversation, I wonder why they even asked me a question. Cutting me off mid-sentence with your obvious lack of interest in what I'm saying to you infuriates me. I'm trying to make conversation, share my life with you. If you're so uninterested in me, don't ask me a question. I think people like that only deserve one-word answers, to everything. And if they start looking for more, looking for you to expand on what you've said, just tell them you answered the question. Apparently, the answer in the above scenario should've been "Fine." I imagine that would've sufficed and the conversation would have been over. "Ok. Nice talking with you. Bye now." I guess the world would be a lot quieter. Phone calls a lot cheaper. Life a lot emptier. Conversation extinct. We would all basically be robots, just answering the question.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Pregnancy Spoiler

I don't want to freak out you newly pregnant moms, but here are some things you may not know about being pregnant:

1. Leg cramps
2. Hemmorhoids
3. Hooch cramps (aka the vaginal area)
4. Heartburn (and I mean seething heartburn)
5. Sympathy from friends, family and strangers
6. NO sympathy from friends, family and strangers
7. Resentment from infertile females
8. Resentment from horny husbands/boyfriends/significant others
9. Utter amazement at how far the skin can stretch
10. Loving to eat
11. Hating to eat
12. ALL smells are nauseating
13. Horrible in the beginning, ok for a minute, horrible at the end
14. Crying for no apparent reason
15. Loathing for no apparent reason
16. Forgetting the basics, like your name
17. Socks and shoelaces are your enemy
18. Pregnancy is a great excuse for everything
19. Everyone has a pregnancy story, even if they were never pregnant
20. Pregnancy lasts for 10 months, not 9

Separation Anxiety

I'm troubled by something and just want to put it out there while I'm still troubled by it. I organize a meetup group for moms over 35, and I just got an email from one mom who told me she and her husband separated 2 weeks ago. She has a 2 year old and a newborn, both boys. I have several moms in my group who are separated or divorced, all with similar stories. Soon after their children were born, some even after the child was conceived, their husband's decided it wasn't what they wanted. This infuriates me, and probably not for the reasons you would automatically think. Yes, I know the men are probably being selfish and not wanting the responsibility and change of life that goes along with having children. But here's what really gets me. Women have lives too and they are left to completely give up and change their life when their husband decides to crap out on the relationship. I mean COMPLETELY. I think men forget that before the child is born, there are months of life-altering things going on with a pregnant woman. Our lives change when we are pregnant. We are limited. We become handicapped to a certain degree. Hell, I can't even bend over anymore. But men go about their business, same old, same old. This is all BEFORE the child is born. Never mind after. That's a change without comparison. Your world tends to stop and you have to remain constant so your children can thrive. Children need stability and consistency and security, so you have to change. You basically exist for your child. And that's a tough pill for some of us to swallow. You sort of lose your identity and become someone's mom. Some women love that and thrive on that. Some of us just need to find ourselves again within that life of being a mom. I'm not sure men realize how hard that can be, because they don't seem to do it. Their lives basically stay the same. They look the same, their bodies don't change, their clothes still fit and they can tie their shoes. Do they get less sleep after the baby is born? Probably. Is their home noisier and messier? I'm sure. But the majority of men go off to work in the morning and come home at night - how noisy and messy can that be for them? Is their wife now focusing on a helpless child who absolutely NEEDS them? I hope so. That's to be expected. That's called being a parent. I just don't get it. I don't understand how men agree to have children and then expect something different. This is parenthood. This is what it's all about. Your children become your life and soon enough, they have their own lives and you're left alone again. It's a cycle, a short amount of time, really, when you think about it. But I suppose that's too much to ask of some men - so they bail. I feel for my mom friends whose husbands have decided their life is much more important than the children they fathered. And shame on you husbands who separate under the guise of "my wife changed after the kids were born." What did you expect????

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Baby Steps - Step 3

I am on a roll today. I actually did a load of laundry this afternoon consisting of baby clothes - and I enjoyed it. I loved going through the storage box of clothes and taking out the onesies and jammies to be washed. Those baby clothes are so adorable and they smell so good. I don't know what it is about baby clothes, even with some spit up stains, they smell wonderful. I think that trip to Babies R Us did something to me. I'm living somewhere in babyland today, and I'm not feeling so awful either. I should've taken out those clothes sooner. Maybe the past 9 months wouldn't have been so miserable.

Baby Steps - Step 2

So I actually made it to Babies R Us this morning. I dropped the little guy off at school and with some persuasion from my mother, we went shopping. I very easily could've blown it off until Thursday morning, even though I do have an ob/gyn appointment that morning and probably won't feel like going after that, but she was up for going with me so we went. Now I have a coming-home-from-the-hospital outfit, big brother and little brother matching shirts (too cute!!!), and laundry detergent to wash crib sheets as well as what I have in storage. And it only took an hour. It actually felt pretty good shopping for newborn baby clothes. The little snaps and cute socks, it really tugs at a mom's heart. At all costs I tried to avoid the little girl clothes - I LOVE the little girl clothes. Surprisingly I was able to see them without getting upset. There may have been a deep breath or two and a sigh here and there, but overall I'd say the trip was successful and it made me a little bit more excited about the arrival of baby boy #2.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Belly Flop

What's the deal with every pregnant blogger posting pictures of themselves as they get farther along in their pregnancy? You know what I'm talking about - those profile pictures of week 17, week 21, week 28. Do you honestly think I really want to see your belly getting bigger? I don't. I don't even want to look at myself getting bigger, never mind you, a complete stranger. I know, I know. A pregnant woman is supposed to be beautiful. You know what? That huge belly is just not beautiful. It's odd. It's out of proportion with the rest of your body. I realize that a woman being capable of reproducing an actual human being that is growing inside that belly is beautiful and amazing, but I still don't want to see your ever-expanding waistline on a weekly basis. Don't get me started on pregnant women in bikinis. Oh for the love of God, please cover up. The world knows your pregnant even when you're covered up. The world doesn't need to see your flesh stretched out to the limit. Is it something to be proud of, the fact that you are a fertile woman? To a certain degree. There are thousands of fertile women, obviously. Should it be standard operating procedure for all pregnant women to lift their shirts and show their bump at every possible moment? How about a little dignity, for you and your baby. There will be enough exposure to the world for that child when the time is right - after birth.

Say My Name

So here we are 5 weeks from the due date of baby boy #2 and we still cannot decide on a name. This is typical of us. I think it was a week or 2, maybe even less, before we agreed on a name for the first little guy. I have a problem with boys' names. I like very few and the few I like, my husband doesn't. I want something simple and 2 syllables at most. Our last name is 9 letters long and 3 syllables, so there's no need to make anything more complicated. My husband likes the standard, non-fancy, non-of-the-moment names. I do as well, but I just don't like any of them for my own child. Between the two of us, most of our family members already have the standard names, and I honestly don't want to name my child after any of these people. Sounds cruel? Maybe. But it's the truth. Then I run into the problem of friends already having children with names I might have named my own, so can't use those names either. My husband doesn't get that. He thinks if you like a name, you should use it, regardless of who else you know already named their own child with it. I can't do it. I don't want to be thought of as a copycat. Plus I don't want our children having the same name. It's simple to me - not to him. I'm still unsure what we're going to name baby boy #2, but I'm hopeful we'll come up with it before delivery time.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

You're Cramping My Style

Here's one thing (and there are many) no one tells you before you get pregnant - you're gonna have leg cramps after you get pregnant. I had calf cramps the first go around and they always happened at night in bed. No big deal, I was already laying down. This time, heading into blessed month #9, I am having thigh cramps . . . while standing . . . or walking . . . and they're PAINFUL. But they do pass rather quickly. However, did I mention they're PAINFUL? And the worst part is they catch you off guard. I was walking into the kitchen yesterday, turned towards the refrigerator to get some water and BAM, thigh cramp that actually made me yell out loud. What the hell was that? I asked my husband if he remembered me having thigh cramps during my first pregnancy, and I got his stock response to most things I ask these days, "I don't know. I don't remember." Needless to say he's tuning out all my complaining. But I digress. I miss the days of my 3 inch stilletos. I endured the winter without wearing my favorite boots - 3 inches as well. I long for my high-heeled wedges for the spring. I love my guys, but having kids really cramps your style.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Family First

I heard on the radio yesterday that Heidi Klum was pregnant again with her 4th child. I was surprised at first. When did celebrities start having more than 2 children, tops? There are the few anomalies out there - Kelly Ripa has 3 children, Jon Bon Jovi has 4, Brangelina has . . . I don't know how many they have these days, but that's a different topic altogether. Are celebrities becoming less selfish? Is the focus more on family than on self? Are the tides beginning to turn, even in main street society? Maybe. Look at all the new "reality" shows featuring large families. When did it become en vogue to reproduce the size of a baseball team. Look at Jon & Kate +8, Table for 12, 18 & Counting. These are all reality shows on one cable network or another featuring families with sextuplets, multiple sets of twins, and so on. These are normal, every day families that live around the corner. It seems like gone are the days of 2.5 children, the big house, the fancy car, me, me, me. I think people are beginning to find the satisfaction they need in family instead of things. In these hard economic times, there are fewer things you can purchase that will make you feel complete. Nothing makes you feel more complete than your own child. I feel it when I look at the little guy sometimes. He's part of me and he's just . . . well, perfect. And I mean that in the motherly sense, of course. Maybe we're all feeling that in these days of uncertainty in the world. Nothing is more certain than seeing your own child smile. And I suppose the more smiles, the better.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Careful What You Wish For

I had my 6 weeks and counting ob/gyn visit this morning and asked about inducement. I was induced when I had the little guy because I was spilling protein in my urine - also known as pre-eclampsia. Miserable as I've been, I figure why not ask if there are any other situations that would precipitate an induction. The lovely, kind, patient doctor asked when I was doing my next 24-hour urine sample (a story in itself) and I told him in the next 2 weeks. He advised that if I was spilling protein at that time, they would send me in to have the baby. After that point, I honestly don't remember anything else the man said. I think I started to panic. Nine months of complaining and wishing for the end of this seemingly interminable pregnancy, and I finally hear the end could actually be in sight, and I can no longer focus. I tuned him out and only heard what was going on in my head. What do you mean it could be 2 weeks from now? Don't you know the nursery isn't ready yet? I just went over this yesterday - I'm a procrastinator. Not ready for baby. Clothes need washing. Cribs need altering. Changing tables need clearing. Car seats need to be put back in the car. Still don't have anything for baby boy #2 to wear home. How can I possibly give birth when he has nothing to wear home?!? Isn't anyone listening to me? And then it hit me. This is what I wanted. I want to be able to sit down again without trying for 30 minutes to find a comfortable position. I want to sleep on my back again. I want the incessant kicking and jabbing in my abdominal area to stop already. I want my body back. Maybe someone was listening and now I know I can't procrastinate anymore. I have to get things prepared because you never know what can happen or how quickly. If there's something you want, you better be prepared in case you get it.

Baby Steps - Step 1

So I actually made a dent with the nursery situation yesterday. I did pull out the 0-3 month old storage crate of baby clothes and start to look through them. I can't believe how tiny the onesies are! It's scary when you realize how little they actually are when you take them home. Someone actually entrusts you to take care of such a tiny person?! I don't remember the little guy being that tiny - he always seemed long to me, and he was. He was 21.5 inches long at birth, and he's tall for his age now. He was funny yesterday while looking through the baby clothes with me. He tried to put on a pair of shorts for a 3 month old. Needless to say it didn't work, but he did try. He's having a hard time giving up anything that was his to someone else. He's insistent that these are his clothes and not for the baby. No sharing anything that is or was his. I can just see the little guy trying to put a onesie on himself just to prove his point - "It's mine!"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Nursery Time

So here I am less than 6 weeks away from my due date, and I've yet to get back into the nursery to get the crib ready, get the 0-3 months clothes out of the storage crates and wash them, and get the changing table cleared off of stuffed animals and ready for use. What exactly am I waiting for? I have no idea. It just seems like such a huge task that I can't bring myself to do. I get so tired on my feet lately that I have to sit down after a few minutes of standing, so doing all that seems near impossible right about now. But I know once I start, I'll be a little more excited about it and keep going. I'm not changing the nursery since I'm having another boy, but I would like to get a couple of new things for baby boy #2. Everything doesn't have to be a hand-me-down, does it? Maybe a new picture for the wall or a new coming-home-from-the-hospital outfit. That seems reasonable, and it won't break the bank. I feel a little bad that it's not as exciting this go around - getting the room ready and washing all the new cute little baby clothes. It's all done. Plus I'm just so miserably uncomfortable, all I can manage to do is complain. I don't want to short-change baby boy #2, but I just can't get motivated. Yet this is a task that must be done. No more procrastinating. Come on everyone, it's nursery time! (I'll post again if I actually do it.)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Reality Show?

I saw the Dugger family on Larry King last night and just can't even imagine what's going on there. You know the Duggers, they have 18 children, the youngest being 4 months old, all having names that start with the letter "J". I believe they have a reality show as well, but for some reason I just can't watch it. I think I caught an episode once by accident and they all seem so nice. I know, I'm from the East Coast and admittedly a little rough around the edges, but if you have 18 children, aren't you going to be cranky? It's that train wreck thing again. No one stops to see a beautiful, peaceful scene, but they'll stop to look at a train wreck. I guess I'm one of those people who want to see a train wreck. I'd watch the "Octomom" reality show but not the Duggers - says a lot about me I suppose. But I digress. My point is what would possess a woman to have 18 children? I love children and am torturing myself at this moment to produce another one, but 18 times? Years ago I dated a guy who was the 13th child of 13. That blew my mind. I met his mother - she was a seemingly normal person, very nice, down-to-earth. But I often wondered: can't you say "no" once in a while? How does the body tolerate that kind of beating? How do the emotions ever return to normal after having hormones constantly raging? There are women desperate to have 1 child, just 1. The Dugger mom is popping them out like popcorn . . . and she seems happy, well-adjusted and non-frazzled. I just don't get it. I'm counting the seconds until the birth of baby boy #2, never mind thinking about doing this again 16 more times. On top of that, she says they don't know if they're done having children. Who would put their body through so much trauma? And why? These are modern times, in the middle of a recession I might add. It just doesn't seem like the Dugger family is living in reality to me.

Monday, April 13, 2009

No Assurance in Sight

I was just thinking about a couple of different news items that occurred this past week and had to jot down my thoughts. First I read about the infamous "Octomom" who may be getting her own reality show. At first I thought, "Oh Please! Can this woman please stay out of the news." But then the more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became. I think I might watch that show. I swore after American Idol, Dancing With the Stars and Project Runway (where is that show by the way), I would not take on any more reality shows. That was it for me - strictly talent-related reality shows. I was never one to watch The Bachelor or The Swan - hated them. But "Octomom", is it because she's a mom? Is it because I'm about to be a mom again and I'm curious to see how a woman manages 14 when I'm having panic attacks about 2? Is it a train wreck that I just have to slow down to see for myself? Either way, I might sneak a peek if it ever airs. The second news item was about this Huckaby woman in California, a mother herself, who allegedly kidnapped and murdered her daughter's best friend. Granted the whole story is not out as of my posting date, but she's a mom. Aren't moms supposed to look out for other children? Isn't it just maternal instinct that makes us want to nurture another child? Even the California cops are surprised that the alleged murderer is a woman and a mother - definitely not the typical stereotype for a kidnapper/murderer of a young child. I'm at a loss when I think about these two diverse news items about moms. One can't stop having children and the other killed one. I feel bad for the children in both situations, especially for the child of Huckaby who lost not only her best friend but is about to lose her mother as well. I think children look to their mothers for security and reassurance that all will be okay in their own little worlds. I see my little guy look over for me every so often during the day, just to make sure I'm still there and that everything is just fine. When you have 13 siblings, do you feel reassured when you're looking for mom who's probably up to her eyeballs in diapers and mayhem? How about if your mom has to go to prison for killing your best friend? What kind of reassurance is that? How secure in her world will that child feel? Two completely different situations with a similar outcome for the children - no assurance in sight.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Am I Delusional?

I have this ridiculous idea in my head that I just can't shake. I'd really like to start or join a book club after the baby is born. I just can't get enough of reading novels these past few months. I'm completely wrapped up in them. I can read a book in less than a month - something completely unheard of for me. I used to fall asleep somewhere mid-page within the first 5 minutes of picking up a book. But now, I am reading faster and longer than ever in my life. So why not join a book club sometime in June or July after things get settled with the 2nd little guy? I know - what am I thinking? Like I'm really going to have the time or energy to read a whole book and then attend a monthly meeting to discuss it. I think I've forgotten how exhausting and time-consuming an infant can be. This is why women have more than 1 child - they forget!!! It has been 3 years, after all, since the little guy was born. But isn't it possible that maybe, just maybe, the 2nd little guy will be easier to handle? Maybe he'll be a good sleeper. Maybe he won't be fussy. Maybe he'll actually allow me some time to read and relax between feedings, diaper changes and spit-ups. And if he does allow me that time, maybe the 1st little guy won't be yelling at me to play with him incessantly. Or maybe I'm just delusional.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Just Miserable . . . From Head to Toe

I feel like I've done nothing but complain this entire pregnancy . . . so why stop now? I woke up this morning with a horrible sinus headache. I don't know if my allergies are kicking in because I'm super-sensitive now that I'm pregnant or if I've caught yet another cold from the little guy. Either way, the entire right side of my head hurts and I'd just like to chop it off. It's bad enough that I've pretty much been sick since January with sinus infections and colds, but I thought it was finally Spring here in New Jersey and I was past all the colds, flus and infections. What the hell is going on? Is it ever going to warm up here on the East Coast? Will Spring ever arrive or are we just going to cruise right into summer weather? Don't get me wrong - I enjoy the warm weather and wouldn't mind a couple of 80 degree days. But for crying out loud, enough with the cold weather. My body just can't take it anymore. Something's got to give - either the weather has to change or this baby has to arrive. Everything hurts from head to toe.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Preschool Proposition

There's been much talk lately about preschool programs and whether or not they're actually helpful in your child's life. With the Obama administration discussing government-funded preschool, parents and critics alike seem to be debating this issue. I'm a proponent of preschool. My almost 3 year old is just finishing up his first year of preschool, and I think it's done wonderful things for him. Of course, I have nothing to compare it to, but he's learning to speak French, he's very verbal and he seems very happy when I pick him up from school. On the other hand, he only goes to school 2 mornings/week and he still, after 7 months, gives me a hard time about going. He tells me he wants to stay home with me. I think if he went to school every day, it would be easier. He would know the drill: he goes to school in the morning and comes home with me in the afternoon. I simply don't think 2 days is enough of a routine to get him wanting to go. If he were to go next year, he would go 3 half-days/week. Herein comes the dilemma. We are all victims of the economic disaster wreaking havoc on our country and, quite frankly, the preschool the little guy attends is rather expensive. This is where government-funding for preschools is a good thing. It would help during hard economic times. It would give every child a fair shot at learning the same thing at the same time instead of just the well-off families with the ability to pay for preschool. Here's the catch though. With government-funded preschool, everyone would be paying for it instead of just those who actually choose to send their children to preschool. On top of that, I wonder what government-funded preschool would look like. I doubt the little guy would be learning French. And I'm not so sure how verbal he would be in a large class. I'm at a cross-roads with what to do with the little guy next year. Some people believe kids should stay kids for as long as possible since they have many years of schooling ahead of them when they HAVE to go to school at the age of 5. I've been told preschool is just glorified, expensive babysitting. I really don't believe that, especially the school the little guy goes to now. I suppose I could find a French babysitter, or a Chinese babysitter, or an any-language babysitter, but it's just different. The interaction is different with one babysitter vs. a teacher and 10 children. The earlier children get used to classrooms and structure and other children, the more well-prepared and well-rounded they will be later in life. By the same token, I can do without the constant runny nose and coughing. But that's a whole other topic . . .

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

40 and Pregnant

I have to say being 40 and pregnant sucks. I was 37 when my first was born, and I thought that was rough. This is bordering on ridiculous. Not only am I a high-risk pregnancy because of my age, therefore requiring every possible test known to mankind for pregnant women, but my body is just hurting. It's difficult to walk because my hips are in pain. It's difficult to sleep because my hips are in pain. It's difficult to sit because . . . well, just because. I was never a big girl, exercised on a regular basis, and pretty much kept fit. Could I have been fitter before getting pregnant, yes. Could I have strengthened my muscles like my husband recommended, yes. But I was by no means "out of shape" or "overweight." Who knew carrying a baby was so painful? Probably every woman who was ever pregnant but for some reason forgets all the misery involved. I admit, I'm guilty of that. I remember feeling so sick during my first pregnancy, and then after the birth going to my ob/gyn on my first 6 week visit asking when it was safe for me to get pregnant again. What was I thinking?!?! Granted, I wanted another child. I felt my little guy should have a sibling and I wanted a baby girl. But it seems it takes my body 2 years to get pregnant. I'm not sure why, and there's no scientific study done on me, but I've had 3 pregnancies and each time took about 2 years to come to fruition. Be that as it may, here I am at 40 and feeling simply miserable. This is exactly what I wanted, another child, but I'm so tired and my body hurts so much, I just want to cry some days. And some days I do. While being pregnant with 7 weeks and counting to go until my due date, I probably wouldn't recommend getting pregnant to an "older" woman. Yet I have a sneaking suspicion that after I give birth, I will probably forget the bad stuff and think it wasn't so awful. I've told friends and family to remind me of all my complaining and agonizing over these past 9 months so that I would be dissuaded from doing this again. Somehow, I don't think those reminders will matter. If all goes well, I just might think it's worth it to try again for that baby girl.

No more filtering

I've created this blog as a concrete way of expressing myself without any more filters. For the past 10 years or so, I feel like I've had a filter on the things I say and the things I do. I basically changed the fundamental parts of myself and, quite honestly, I just don't like it anymore. Now that I'm married almost 8 years, a mom of an almost 3 year old boy with another one due in 7 weeks, I really don't feel the need to filter anymore. I don't think it would be setting a good example for my kids - and I don't think it's healthy for me. So here I am, 40 years old, and committing myself to no more filtering. Welcome to my unfiltered world!