Friday, July 31, 2009

What Pain?

While I'm in bed last night nursing baby boy #2, I'm watching yet another reality show on TLC about parenting called "5 Under 5." This is about a lesbian couple who have a 4 year old daughter, 2 year old twin boys and are having another set of twin boys, all by the same donor sperm. Interesting to me for some reason. I must have caught the first episode because the pregnant mom was now in labor and giving birth in the hospital. As I'm watching the first baby come out and get swaddled in that infamous hospital blanket, something strange starts to happen to me. I start to well up and tears fill my eyes. What the hell is this emotion I'm feeling?!? No, it can't be. Instead of feeling grateful that I no longer have to go through what this woman is enduring, the pain, the anxiety, I'm feeling that tug at my heart. You know that tug that every mom gets at some point, otherwise she wouldn't be a mom. That longing, that "Awww" moment. All of this as I'm nursing my 2 month old. Hello? He's only 2 months. I swore off having another child after the nightmare I endured for 9 months and then the hideous labor I had. Am I insane? I'll say it again - HE'S 2 MONTHS OLD! He's still a baby - a big, smiling baby, but a baby nonetheless. I'm hoping this was a fleeting moment in time and I don't experience that emotional longing again. You see, this is what happens. Women forget the agony and continue to have more children. I must remember the pain. I must remember the pain. I must remember the pain. If I keep repeating it, maybe it will work.

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