Sunday, July 12, 2009
To Be or Not To Be
There's something rattling around in my brain all day that I thought I'd post here since I can't seem to get rid of it. Maybe writing it will help resolve my issue. In the past week, for the second time, I saw an Oprah episode about mothers and something Cheryl Hines said has been sitting with me ever since. She said when you become a mother your life changes and it never really is the same again. You have to sort of reinvent yourself after becoming a mother. I'm not sure if this is making me feel sad or proud. I liked who I was. I didn't love everything about me. I wasn't working anymore and not sure who I was or what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then 3 years ago I became a mom. Early on I decided I didn't only want to be defined as a mom. I was more than that. There was more to me than raising a son. I realize it is a job in and of itself and an incredibly important one. Probably the most important thing I'll ever do is raise my 2 boys. They will be a reflection of me. That scares me as well. What if they're screw-ups? What if they're cold-hearted womanizers? That's not a reflection of me, is it? I'm not raising them that way. I want to be defined as something more than that lousy kid's mom. So here I am with 2 boys still wondering what I'm going to be when I grow up. I guess I am a mom. But am I a mom first? I've been "me" for so long before I was a mom that it saddens me to think I have to redefine myself. There are things that I still want to do. I'm not exactly sure what they are yet, but I know I desire to do more. I guess being a mom isn't the be all, end all for me as it is for other women. Which is fine. It still makes me sad to think that I'll never be the same person I was before. I feel I'm mourning the loss of "me" while trying to create a new "me" at the same time. Or maybe I just watch too much Oprah.