What Pain?

While I'm in bed last night nursing baby boy #2, I'm watching yet another reality show on TLC about parenting called "5 Under 5." This is about a lesbian couple who have a 4 year old daughter, 2 year old twin boys and are having another set of twin boys, all by the same donor sperm. Interesting to me for some reason. I must have caught the first episode because the pregnant mom was now in labor and giving birth in the hospital. As I'm watching the first baby come out and get swaddled in that infamous hospital blanket, something strange starts to happen to me. I start to well up and tears fill my eyes. What the hell is this emotion I'm feeling?!? No, it can't be. Instead of feeling grateful that I no longer have to go through what this woman is enduring, the pain, the anxiety, I'm feeling that tug at my heart. You know that tug that every mom gets at some point, otherwise she wouldn't be a mom. That longing, that "Awww" moment. All of this as I'm nursing my 2 month old. Hello? He's only 2 months. I swore off having another child after the nightmare I endured for 9 months and then the hideous labor I had. Am I insane? I'll say it again - HE'S 2 MONTHS OLD! He's still a baby - a big, smiling baby, but a baby nonetheless. I'm hoping this was a fleeting moment in time and I don't experience that emotional longing again. You see, this is what happens. Women forget the agony and continue to have more children. I must remember the pain. I must remember the pain. I must remember the pain. If I keep repeating it, maybe it will work.

Octo-money

I believe I posted a while ago that the Octomom was going to get her own reality show. Honestly, for $250k I don't blame her. That's a lot of money, but that's over a 3 year period. She has 14 children so when you break it down, that's not that much money. If you do the math, that's $5900 per year per child. I think you could easily spend $6k on a child in one year. Do I agree with what she did - having a bazillion children and no job or husband? No, of course not. But at least she's getting paid by a production company and not the taxpayers. I don't want to pay for her 14 children, and I shouldn't have to pay for them. But there's something that stinks about putting your kids on television for entertainment and they have absolutely no say about it. Especially when some of them are disabled. And who knows how many of the octuplets will have disabilities. We'll probably see that unfold on TV each week. That just doesn't seem right. I really shouldn't judge how other moms choose to raise their children. I have days when I'm not the greatest mom in the world. Thank God I don't have cameras filming me though.

Roll Overdrive

Baby boy #2 isn't even 2 months old yet and he already turned over from his back to his tummy for the first time last night. This child just wants to go, go, go. I thought my first was active - yikes! I'm in for it with these two boys. I hope I can keep my cool as they grow up. I fear I'm going to spend the rest of my life yelling "Don't do that!" or "Get away from there!" or "Stop it!" I am, aren't I? I know. It's going to be a l-o-n-g road ahead.

What's Next?

Baby boy #2 has truly been difficult for me from the get-go. First I had to take meds for high blood pressure during my pregnancy. Then I had to endure 2-3 weeks of an epidural headache. Now I am suffering a breast infection from breastfeeding. Haven't I suffered enough for this child already? I had none of this with the first child, which is probably why I thought having another one wouldn't be so bad. Now I'm taking a round of antibiotics to get rid of the pain and fever I'm experiencing. This has not been a fun summer so far. How much more do I have to endure?

Born Again

The little guy said the cutest thing the other day. We received a gift in the mail for baby boy #2, one of those baby books where you can keep track of everything baby does in the first year or so. My husband kept telling me to do one for the little guy 3 years ago, but I never got around to it. This one that came in the mail is blue with racing cars on it - very cute. So the little guy keeps playing with it. I told him to be careful and not to color on any pages. He asked what it was for. I told him it was for us to keep track of all the things the baby does since he was born. He replied, "I want to be born too." I just love that!

To Be or Not To Be

There's something rattling around in my brain all day that I thought I'd post here since I can't seem to get rid of it. Maybe writing it will help resolve my issue. In the past week, for the second time, I saw an Oprah episode about mothers and something Cheryl Hines said has been sitting with me ever since. She said when you become a mother your life changes and it never really is the same again. You have to sort of reinvent yourself after becoming a mother. I'm not sure if this is making me feel sad or proud. I liked who I was. I didn't love everything about me. I wasn't working anymore and not sure who I was or what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then 3 years ago I became a mom. Early on I decided I didn't only want to be defined as a mom. I was more than that. There was more to me than raising a son. I realize it is a job in and of itself and an incredibly important one. Probably the most important thing I'll ever do is raise my 2 boys. They will be a reflection of me. That scares me as well. What if they're screw-ups? What if they're cold-hearted womanizers? That's not a reflection of me, is it? I'm not raising them that way. I want to be defined as something more than that lousy kid's mom. So here I am with 2 boys still wondering what I'm going to be when I grow up. I guess I am a mom. But am I a mom first? I've been "me" for so long before I was a mom that it saddens me to think I have to redefine myself. There are things that I still want to do. I'm not exactly sure what they are yet, but I know I desire to do more. I guess being a mom isn't the be all, end all for me as it is for other women. Which is fine. It still makes me sad to think that I'll never be the same person I was before. I feel I'm mourning the loss of "me" while trying to create a new "me" at the same time. Or maybe I just watch too much Oprah.