Friday, February 5, 2010

A Mother's Guilt

I'm slowly beginning to realize how difficult it is to have more than 1 child. I'm ridden with guilt these days and I'm not sure what to do about it. Ever since baby boy #2 came along, I am constantly yelling at his big brother. He always seems to be doing something wrong or just plain old not listening. I have to ask him to do something or stop doing something about 5 times before he actually does it. I have to threaten him with time-outs and turning off the TV. I never thought I'd be one of those moms that you see on TV and read about who yells at their child and says things you can't believe they say to their child - but I think I am. I hate to admit it, and it's killing me, but I have no patience for my first-born. The strange thing is I hear from friends that the opposite is true - they think their first-born can do no wrong and resent the baby. That would make sense, but that's not what's going on in my house. I LOVE my first-born but fear I'm favoring the baby because, well, he's a baby . . . and probably my last baby. I did so much with my first-born before the baby arrived - took him parks and classes, did crafty projects, played. Now it seems like I'm yelling at him all day long, and I hate it. I just don't know how to stop doing it. When I put the baby down for a nap, I want to get stuff done around the house that needs to get done. It's the only time I have to do it. Believe me, I've put things off for a long time. I don't think I can't afford to put them off much longer. So instead of doing a project together or playing for a while, I plop him in front of the television or a computer game. Horrible - I know!! Then I feel massive amounts of guilt at the end of the day for treating him as I did. I think I'm messing him up and he's going to need tons of therapy to get over this. My father insists he won't remember, but I have an inkling he will. And he'll resent me for the rest of my life. This is yet something else no one tells you about before you have children. This parenting gig is just way too hard!

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