Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ughhh . . .

Today was not a good day. I had an appointment this morning with the hypertension specialist. I've been seeing him for months now and my blood pressure has always been great when he checks me. Today, not so great. He decided it was time to put me on medication to bring it down. I have 3.5 weeks to go and I have to go on meds. I'm really unhappy about that. I'm not great with copping to the fact that I can't handle this pregnancy without drugs. I was hoping meditation would help, but who has time to meditate with an almost 3 year old running around all day. The second I close my eyes, I hear "MOMMY, WAKE UP!!!" It's just not possible to meditate. So then I head off to the ob/gyn for my weekly check, and find out the baby's in position (ok so that's good) but I have to start weekly non-stress tests . . . at the hospital . . . in labor & delivery . . . did I mention WEEKLY from now until delivery? This should be called a stress-inducing test, not a non-stress test. Basically they hook my belly up to a machine to check the baby's heart rate and function. No, no stress at all there. And I have to go to labor & delivery for this. Completely stress-free. I just want to have this child already. I feel like my body has had enough. The doctor's aren't that concerned just yet, but they're being very cautious. Unless I start spilling protein into my urine, I won't be induced. And now that I'm on blood pressure meds, that might not happen. Ok, whoever is listening - I'M READY NOW. It's ok. The nursery's not done, but so what. The car seat's not in yet, but so what. The little guy's birthday party is this Saturday, but so what. I just want to feel good again. I don't want to put either of us in danger. If I ever write about having another, someone please write me back and remind me of my misery. I'm just too old for this crap.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Today was a good day. I FINALLY got a haircut and highlight. I've been in desperate need of a cut and highlight for the past few weeks but have been putting it off for as long as possible since I know as I get closer to delivery date and the baby arrives, I won't be able to get anywhere near my hairdresser. I feel much better knowing I look much better. Second of all, the new dryer arrived and was installed. There was a glitch with the install but I am assured by dear hubby that he will take care of it. In the meantime, it is hooked up and I did a load of laundry and dried it successfully. Finally, dear hubby decided to take the car seat out of the attic when he got home from work tonight. No prompting from me at all. He just went up and brought it back down. Tada - all done. Now it just needs to be put in the back of my car and baby boy #2 can come home safely. I'm attempting to focus on all the good things that went on today instead of, well, everything else in my life and on the news. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and don't want to focus on the bad or troublesome stuff since that might raise my blood pressure. Instead, I will see only the good that went on, and it was quite a bit. See - it was a good day!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Stress and the Suburbs

I have to admit every once in a while I start to feel like Carrie Bradshaw while I'm blogging. Except my life is a little different from Sex and the City. I don't live in the City, but I used to live in Jersey City. I'm not writing about sex and finding happily ever after, I'm blogging about what happens after sex . . . and reality. I don't have 3 "fabulous" girlfriends with man troubles, I have many mom friends with kid problems and husband issues. I don't drink martinis, but I have been to a martini bar, once, years ago. I haven't played Twister with Jon Bon Jovi, but I have dreamed about it. I do own a pair of Manolo Blahniks, but they're 2 sizes too small since I bought them before I ever got pregnant. I've never been to Fashion Week, but I love Project Runway (where is that show???). I don't smoke cigarettes, but there are days when I think smoke is coming out of my ears. I don't meet my "fabulous" friends once a week over breakfast to update them on my latest sexcapades, but I do try to organize a mom's day out brunch once every other month to complain about my miserable pregnancy. And finally, I don't stress about Mr. Big, I have the little guy. Now that's stress . . . and the suburbs.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Back to Normal

So here I am one day appreciating everything I have since my house wasn't torn down by a tornado and I have central air conditioning, and I wake up the next day with sciatica that just won't quit. I have horrible pain from my right butt cheek all the way down my thigh, and I can barely walk today. How, please tell me, how am I supposed to be appreciative of that?? Not only can I barely walk, I can barely stand. I'm leaning on furniture, counter tops, the little guy, all day long. And you know what else? No food tastes good to me today. Nothing. Even the foods I usually enjoy - cheese popcorn, chocolate - just tastes blah. I know my ob/gyn told me that the end of the pregnancy mirrors the beginning, but come on. I've got 4 weeks to go and I have no appetite? That just doesn't sound right. Especially when I REALLY love chocolate. How can chocolate not be appealing? I pray to God that when I have my daily dish of ice cream later tonight it still tastes fantastic, or I'm just gonna cry. I'm not even joking. These are my comfort foods. Do you hear that baby boy #2? I need my comfort food. It gets me through to the next morning. I'm not depriving you of anything so please, just let me enjoy my ice cream and we'll get along just fine when you get here.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Mother Knows Best, For Now

As I was whining to my mother this afternoon about how uncomfortable I was, how this "mini-heatwave" wasn't for me, she reminded me that things could be worse. My mom always has a way of minimizing how bad things are now and how much worse they could actually be. I suppose this is a technique to make me feel better and appreciate what I have. Today it worked. She reminded me of the news this morning about the tornado that hit a town in Kansas overnight, wiping out people's homes, their entire lives gone. "Imagine that," she said. "Everything you have gone. No home. No clothes. Nothing." That helped put things in perspective pretty quickly. Then she went on to tell me that women years ago had babies in the summer all the time with no air conditioning in their homes. They traveled to the shore, where it was cooler, in cars with no air conditioning. Sat in traffic, to and fro, sweating. "You don't realize how lucky you are, Debbie," she said. "You leave your air conditioned home, get in your air conditioned car and reach your next air conditioned destination." Geez, am I spoiled? I'm just trying to stay comfortable. I am an extra 30+ pounds heavier these days, I'm a little hot and I'm just looking for a little relief with modern day amenities. And then she said, "People didn't realize what they were missing because they never had it. Nobody had air conditioning so they didn't know what it would feel like to have it. They just went about their day and did what they had to do." After our conversation, I took a shower, got dressed and went about my day. You know what? I stopped focusing on how miserable I felt and how hot it was. I began to appreciate the things I have. My air-conditioned home and car. The clothing on my huge belly. The laughter of the little guy in the family room. And I felt better . . . for now. I guess sometimes mother does know best.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Never Happy

I was so looking forward to the warm weather and now that it's here, I feel like someone punched me in the face. This is what typically happens in New Jersey. We go from very chilly to freakin' hot. I believe it reached 88 degrees today, and I was not a happy camper. I have NO maternity clothes for the summer. The little guy was born in early May so I managed to get by with just capri pants and short sleeve shirts. I was in desperate need of shorts and a loose tank top today. And I mean DESPERATE. Fortunately I managed to squeeze my butt in a pair of shorts that I've had for years and tops I bought last year were already big and flowy so I slid my humongous belly under one of those. I can't believe how hot it was, and I can't believe how hot my house still is. I think it's about 83 degrees right now in my living room. I'm sitting in front of an open window that's providing the only cross-draft in my house so every few minutes there's a breeze that I stop typing for and just enjoy. God bless all you women who are pregnant through the summer months. I would never survive. I would never leave the house. I would sit in the air conditioned rooms all day and eat ice cream. Actually, that doesn't sound so bad now that I think about it.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Grand Slam

It's finally warm enough here in New Jersey to use the sliding screen door out onto our deck in the backyard. I've been waiting for this for a year. I love when the weather gets warm and the trees sprout and the flowers shoot up and the windows are open. This year it's a whole new experience for the little guy. He remembers last summer playing outside in the yard but this year is entirely different. He's big enough to actually use the screen door - and he LOVES to use the screen door. In and out, in and out, in and out. All day long I hear the slam of the screen door. I think he's experiencing a sense of independence for the first time. He can go out and come back in all by himself. He goes out and knows we're right on the other side of the screen. We can hear everything he's doing and, I suppose, he can hear us too. I love sitting inside and hearing him run up the stairs and across the deck and then the slide of the screen door followed by the "slam." I always hated the slam of that screen door but now it's my new favorite sound. My little man is growing up and has found some freedom. It makes me smile.

Dryer Delay

I made it half way through completing another load of laundry for baby boy #2 when my dryer decided to kick the bucket. It won't dry at all. We've been talking about getting a new dryer for a couple of months now and procrastination has again led to a road of rushing. Trying to find a dryer that's energy efficient, inexpensive and available asap has turned into a serious project. I've spent the past couple of days researching dryers and I couldn't tell you which one was best. I'm more confused now than if I would have simply walked into a store and picked the one that didn't cost a fortune and could actually dry my clothes. We're worried about dimensions and energy star compliance and moisture sensors. I'm reeling with too much information about this appliance. Let's just pick one and move on so I can actually get the nursery ready. I found a convenient excuse to put it on the back burner, and I don't want to do that. I want to finish this project and get on with the next. I am about 4 weeks from the delivery date and KNOW the nursery will not be done. Even if baby boy #2 doesn't have a room to sleep in, he at least needs clean onesies to wear.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Just Answer the Question

Did someone ever ask you a question and you need to tell the preamble in order to explain the answer to the question? It's basically called conversation, otherwise there would be one word answers to every single question asked and no conversation at all. There are people that just don't have time for that I guess. They ask a question and only want the answer. No need to explain yourself, no need to set the scene, no need for any extra fluff. And when you start to provide some extras before they hear an answer to the question, they cut you off. I think that's just plain old rude. Here's an example:

Questioner: "How was your doctor's appointment?"

Responder: "Interesting. I was in the waiting room and ran into someone I haven't seen in about a year who just moved to the next town over and she's 3 months pregnant and . . ."

Questioner: "Stop. How's the baby? Is the baby ok?"

Believe me, I've had days when I just want someone to answer my question and stop chatting away, telling me their life story when I simply asked if it was warm outside. But most of the time, I enjoy adult conversation. I like the scene to be set. I like the build up. Especially when I'm home with a 2 year old all day. So when someone rudely interrupts my conversation, I wonder why they even asked me a question. Cutting me off mid-sentence with your obvious lack of interest in what I'm saying to you infuriates me. I'm trying to make conversation, share my life with you. If you're so uninterested in me, don't ask me a question. I think people like that only deserve one-word answers, to everything. And if they start looking for more, looking for you to expand on what you've said, just tell them you answered the question. Apparently, the answer in the above scenario should've been "Fine." I imagine that would've sufficed and the conversation would have been over. "Ok. Nice talking with you. Bye now." I guess the world would be a lot quieter. Phone calls a lot cheaper. Life a lot emptier. Conversation extinct. We would all basically be robots, just answering the question.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Pregnancy Spoiler

I don't want to freak out you newly pregnant moms, but here are some things you may not know about being pregnant:

1. Leg cramps
2. Hemmorhoids
3. Hooch cramps (aka the vaginal area)
4. Heartburn (and I mean seething heartburn)
5. Sympathy from friends, family and strangers
6. NO sympathy from friends, family and strangers
7. Resentment from infertile females
8. Resentment from horny husbands/boyfriends/significant others
9. Utter amazement at how far the skin can stretch
10. Loving to eat
11. Hating to eat
12. ALL smells are nauseating
13. Horrible in the beginning, ok for a minute, horrible at the end
14. Crying for no apparent reason
15. Loathing for no apparent reason
16. Forgetting the basics, like your name
17. Socks and shoelaces are your enemy
18. Pregnancy is a great excuse for everything
19. Everyone has a pregnancy story, even if they were never pregnant
20. Pregnancy lasts for 10 months, not 9

Separation Anxiety

I'm troubled by something and just want to put it out there while I'm still troubled by it. I organize a meetup group for moms over 35, and I just got an email from one mom who told me she and her husband separated 2 weeks ago. She has a 2 year old and a newborn, both boys. I have several moms in my group who are separated or divorced, all with similar stories. Soon after their children were born, some even after the child was conceived, their husband's decided it wasn't what they wanted. This infuriates me, and probably not for the reasons you would automatically think. Yes, I know the men are probably being selfish and not wanting the responsibility and change of life that goes along with having children. But here's what really gets me. Women have lives too and they are left to completely give up and change their life when their husband decides to crap out on the relationship. I mean COMPLETELY. I think men forget that before the child is born, there are months of life-altering things going on with a pregnant woman. Our lives change when we are pregnant. We are limited. We become handicapped to a certain degree. Hell, I can't even bend over anymore. But men go about their business, same old, same old. This is all BEFORE the child is born. Never mind after. That's a change without comparison. Your world tends to stop and you have to remain constant so your children can thrive. Children need stability and consistency and security, so you have to change. You basically exist for your child. And that's a tough pill for some of us to swallow. You sort of lose your identity and become someone's mom. Some women love that and thrive on that. Some of us just need to find ourselves again within that life of being a mom. I'm not sure men realize how hard that can be, because they don't seem to do it. Their lives basically stay the same. They look the same, their bodies don't change, their clothes still fit and they can tie their shoes. Do they get less sleep after the baby is born? Probably. Is their home noisier and messier? I'm sure. But the majority of men go off to work in the morning and come home at night - how noisy and messy can that be for them? Is their wife now focusing on a helpless child who absolutely NEEDS them? I hope so. That's to be expected. That's called being a parent. I just don't get it. I don't understand how men agree to have children and then expect something different. This is parenthood. This is what it's all about. Your children become your life and soon enough, they have their own lives and you're left alone again. It's a cycle, a short amount of time, really, when you think about it. But I suppose that's too much to ask of some men - so they bail. I feel for my mom friends whose husbands have decided their life is much more important than the children they fathered. And shame on you husbands who separate under the guise of "my wife changed after the kids were born." What did you expect????

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Baby Steps - Step 3

I am on a roll today. I actually did a load of laundry this afternoon consisting of baby clothes - and I enjoyed it. I loved going through the storage box of clothes and taking out the onesies and jammies to be washed. Those baby clothes are so adorable and they smell so good. I don't know what it is about baby clothes, even with some spit up stains, they smell wonderful. I think that trip to Babies R Us did something to me. I'm living somewhere in babyland today, and I'm not feeling so awful either. I should've taken out those clothes sooner. Maybe the past 9 months wouldn't have been so miserable.

Baby Steps - Step 2

So I actually made it to Babies R Us this morning. I dropped the little guy off at school and with some persuasion from my mother, we went shopping. I very easily could've blown it off until Thursday morning, even though I do have an ob/gyn appointment that morning and probably won't feel like going after that, but she was up for going with me so we went. Now I have a coming-home-from-the-hospital outfit, big brother and little brother matching shirts (too cute!!!), and laundry detergent to wash crib sheets as well as what I have in storage. And it only took an hour. It actually felt pretty good shopping for newborn baby clothes. The little snaps and cute socks, it really tugs at a mom's heart. At all costs I tried to avoid the little girl clothes - I LOVE the little girl clothes. Surprisingly I was able to see them without getting upset. There may have been a deep breath or two and a sigh here and there, but overall I'd say the trip was successful and it made me a little bit more excited about the arrival of baby boy #2.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Belly Flop

What's the deal with every pregnant blogger posting pictures of themselves as they get farther along in their pregnancy? You know what I'm talking about - those profile pictures of week 17, week 21, week 28. Do you honestly think I really want to see your belly getting bigger? I don't. I don't even want to look at myself getting bigger, never mind you, a complete stranger. I know, I know. A pregnant woman is supposed to be beautiful. You know what? That huge belly is just not beautiful. It's odd. It's out of proportion with the rest of your body. I realize that a woman being capable of reproducing an actual human being that is growing inside that belly is beautiful and amazing, but I still don't want to see your ever-expanding waistline on a weekly basis. Don't get me started on pregnant women in bikinis. Oh for the love of God, please cover up. The world knows your pregnant even when you're covered up. The world doesn't need to see your flesh stretched out to the limit. Is it something to be proud of, the fact that you are a fertile woman? To a certain degree. There are thousands of fertile women, obviously. Should it be standard operating procedure for all pregnant women to lift their shirts and show their bump at every possible moment? How about a little dignity, for you and your baby. There will be enough exposure to the world for that child when the time is right - after birth.

Say My Name

So here we are 5 weeks from the due date of baby boy #2 and we still cannot decide on a name. This is typical of us. I think it was a week or 2, maybe even less, before we agreed on a name for the first little guy. I have a problem with boys' names. I like very few and the few I like, my husband doesn't. I want something simple and 2 syllables at most. Our last name is 9 letters long and 3 syllables, so there's no need to make anything more complicated. My husband likes the standard, non-fancy, non-of-the-moment names. I do as well, but I just don't like any of them for my own child. Between the two of us, most of our family members already have the standard names, and I honestly don't want to name my child after any of these people. Sounds cruel? Maybe. But it's the truth. Then I run into the problem of friends already having children with names I might have named my own, so can't use those names either. My husband doesn't get that. He thinks if you like a name, you should use it, regardless of who else you know already named their own child with it. I can't do it. I don't want to be thought of as a copycat. Plus I don't want our children having the same name. It's simple to me - not to him. I'm still unsure what we're going to name baby boy #2, but I'm hopeful we'll come up with it before delivery time.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

You're Cramping My Style

Here's one thing (and there are many) no one tells you before you get pregnant - you're gonna have leg cramps after you get pregnant. I had calf cramps the first go around and they always happened at night in bed. No big deal, I was already laying down. This time, heading into blessed month #9, I am having thigh cramps . . . while standing . . . or walking . . . and they're PAINFUL. But they do pass rather quickly. However, did I mention they're PAINFUL? And the worst part is they catch you off guard. I was walking into the kitchen yesterday, turned towards the refrigerator to get some water and BAM, thigh cramp that actually made me yell out loud. What the hell was that? I asked my husband if he remembered me having thigh cramps during my first pregnancy, and I got his stock response to most things I ask these days, "I don't know. I don't remember." Needless to say he's tuning out all my complaining. But I digress. I miss the days of my 3 inch stilletos. I endured the winter without wearing my favorite boots - 3 inches as well. I long for my high-heeled wedges for the spring. I love my guys, but having kids really cramps your style.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Family First

I heard on the radio yesterday that Heidi Klum was pregnant again with her 4th child. I was surprised at first. When did celebrities start having more than 2 children, tops? There are the few anomalies out there - Kelly Ripa has 3 children, Jon Bon Jovi has 4, Brangelina has . . . I don't know how many they have these days, but that's a different topic altogether. Are celebrities becoming less selfish? Is the focus more on family than on self? Are the tides beginning to turn, even in main street society? Maybe. Look at all the new "reality" shows featuring large families. When did it become en vogue to reproduce the size of a baseball team. Look at Jon & Kate +8, Table for 12, 18 & Counting. These are all reality shows on one cable network or another featuring families with sextuplets, multiple sets of twins, and so on. These are normal, every day families that live around the corner. It seems like gone are the days of 2.5 children, the big house, the fancy car, me, me, me. I think people are beginning to find the satisfaction they need in family instead of things. In these hard economic times, there are fewer things you can purchase that will make you feel complete. Nothing makes you feel more complete than your own child. I feel it when I look at the little guy sometimes. He's part of me and he's just . . . well, perfect. And I mean that in the motherly sense, of course. Maybe we're all feeling that in these days of uncertainty in the world. Nothing is more certain than seeing your own child smile. And I suppose the more smiles, the better.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Careful What You Wish For

I had my 6 weeks and counting ob/gyn visit this morning and asked about inducement. I was induced when I had the little guy because I was spilling protein in my urine - also known as pre-eclampsia. Miserable as I've been, I figure why not ask if there are any other situations that would precipitate an induction. The lovely, kind, patient doctor asked when I was doing my next 24-hour urine sample (a story in itself) and I told him in the next 2 weeks. He advised that if I was spilling protein at that time, they would send me in to have the baby. After that point, I honestly don't remember anything else the man said. I think I started to panic. Nine months of complaining and wishing for the end of this seemingly interminable pregnancy, and I finally hear the end could actually be in sight, and I can no longer focus. I tuned him out and only heard what was going on in my head. What do you mean it could be 2 weeks from now? Don't you know the nursery isn't ready yet? I just went over this yesterday - I'm a procrastinator. Not ready for baby. Clothes need washing. Cribs need altering. Changing tables need clearing. Car seats need to be put back in the car. Still don't have anything for baby boy #2 to wear home. How can I possibly give birth when he has nothing to wear home?!? Isn't anyone listening to me? And then it hit me. This is what I wanted. I want to be able to sit down again without trying for 30 minutes to find a comfortable position. I want to sleep on my back again. I want the incessant kicking and jabbing in my abdominal area to stop already. I want my body back. Maybe someone was listening and now I know I can't procrastinate anymore. I have to get things prepared because you never know what can happen or how quickly. If there's something you want, you better be prepared in case you get it.

Baby Steps - Step 1

So I actually made a dent with the nursery situation yesterday. I did pull out the 0-3 month old storage crate of baby clothes and start to look through them. I can't believe how tiny the onesies are! It's scary when you realize how little they actually are when you take them home. Someone actually entrusts you to take care of such a tiny person?! I don't remember the little guy being that tiny - he always seemed long to me, and he was. He was 21.5 inches long at birth, and he's tall for his age now. He was funny yesterday while looking through the baby clothes with me. He tried to put on a pair of shorts for a 3 month old. Needless to say it didn't work, but he did try. He's having a hard time giving up anything that was his to someone else. He's insistent that these are his clothes and not for the baby. No sharing anything that is or was his. I can just see the little guy trying to put a onesie on himself just to prove his point - "It's mine!"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Nursery Time

So here I am less than 6 weeks away from my due date, and I've yet to get back into the nursery to get the crib ready, get the 0-3 months clothes out of the storage crates and wash them, and get the changing table cleared off of stuffed animals and ready for use. What exactly am I waiting for? I have no idea. It just seems like such a huge task that I can't bring myself to do. I get so tired on my feet lately that I have to sit down after a few minutes of standing, so doing all that seems near impossible right about now. But I know once I start, I'll be a little more excited about it and keep going. I'm not changing the nursery since I'm having another boy, but I would like to get a couple of new things for baby boy #2. Everything doesn't have to be a hand-me-down, does it? Maybe a new picture for the wall or a new coming-home-from-the-hospital outfit. That seems reasonable, and it won't break the bank. I feel a little bad that it's not as exciting this go around - getting the room ready and washing all the new cute little baby clothes. It's all done. Plus I'm just so miserably uncomfortable, all I can manage to do is complain. I don't want to short-change baby boy #2, but I just can't get motivated. Yet this is a task that must be done. No more procrastinating. Come on everyone, it's nursery time! (I'll post again if I actually do it.)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Reality Show?

I saw the Dugger family on Larry King last night and just can't even imagine what's going on there. You know the Duggers, they have 18 children, the youngest being 4 months old, all having names that start with the letter "J". I believe they have a reality show as well, but for some reason I just can't watch it. I think I caught an episode once by accident and they all seem so nice. I know, I'm from the East Coast and admittedly a little rough around the edges, but if you have 18 children, aren't you going to be cranky? It's that train wreck thing again. No one stops to see a beautiful, peaceful scene, but they'll stop to look at a train wreck. I guess I'm one of those people who want to see a train wreck. I'd watch the "Octomom" reality show but not the Duggers - says a lot about me I suppose. But I digress. My point is what would possess a woman to have 18 children? I love children and am torturing myself at this moment to produce another one, but 18 times? Years ago I dated a guy who was the 13th child of 13. That blew my mind. I met his mother - she was a seemingly normal person, very nice, down-to-earth. But I often wondered: can't you say "no" once in a while? How does the body tolerate that kind of beating? How do the emotions ever return to normal after having hormones constantly raging? There are women desperate to have 1 child, just 1. The Dugger mom is popping them out like popcorn . . . and she seems happy, well-adjusted and non-frazzled. I just don't get it. I'm counting the seconds until the birth of baby boy #2, never mind thinking about doing this again 16 more times. On top of that, she says they don't know if they're done having children. Who would put their body through so much trauma? And why? These are modern times, in the middle of a recession I might add. It just doesn't seem like the Dugger family is living in reality to me.

Monday, April 13, 2009

No Assurance in Sight

I was just thinking about a couple of different news items that occurred this past week and had to jot down my thoughts. First I read about the infamous "Octomom" who may be getting her own reality show. At first I thought, "Oh Please! Can this woman please stay out of the news." But then the more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became. I think I might watch that show. I swore after American Idol, Dancing With the Stars and Project Runway (where is that show by the way), I would not take on any more reality shows. That was it for me - strictly talent-related reality shows. I was never one to watch The Bachelor or The Swan - hated them. But "Octomom", is it because she's a mom? Is it because I'm about to be a mom again and I'm curious to see how a woman manages 14 when I'm having panic attacks about 2? Is it a train wreck that I just have to slow down to see for myself? Either way, I might sneak a peek if it ever airs. The second news item was about this Huckaby woman in California, a mother herself, who allegedly kidnapped and murdered her daughter's best friend. Granted the whole story is not out as of my posting date, but she's a mom. Aren't moms supposed to look out for other children? Isn't it just maternal instinct that makes us want to nurture another child? Even the California cops are surprised that the alleged murderer is a woman and a mother - definitely not the typical stereotype for a kidnapper/murderer of a young child. I'm at a loss when I think about these two diverse news items about moms. One can't stop having children and the other killed one. I feel bad for the children in both situations, especially for the child of Huckaby who lost not only her best friend but is about to lose her mother as well. I think children look to their mothers for security and reassurance that all will be okay in their own little worlds. I see my little guy look over for me every so often during the day, just to make sure I'm still there and that everything is just fine. When you have 13 siblings, do you feel reassured when you're looking for mom who's probably up to her eyeballs in diapers and mayhem? How about if your mom has to go to prison for killing your best friend? What kind of reassurance is that? How secure in her world will that child feel? Two completely different situations with a similar outcome for the children - no assurance in sight.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Am I Delusional?

I have this ridiculous idea in my head that I just can't shake. I'd really like to start or join a book club after the baby is born. I just can't get enough of reading novels these past few months. I'm completely wrapped up in them. I can read a book in less than a month - something completely unheard of for me. I used to fall asleep somewhere mid-page within the first 5 minutes of picking up a book. But now, I am reading faster and longer than ever in my life. So why not join a book club sometime in June or July after things get settled with the 2nd little guy? I know - what am I thinking? Like I'm really going to have the time or energy to read a whole book and then attend a monthly meeting to discuss it. I think I've forgotten how exhausting and time-consuming an infant can be. This is why women have more than 1 child - they forget!!! It has been 3 years, after all, since the little guy was born. But isn't it possible that maybe, just maybe, the 2nd little guy will be easier to handle? Maybe he'll be a good sleeper. Maybe he won't be fussy. Maybe he'll actually allow me some time to read and relax between feedings, diaper changes and spit-ups. And if he does allow me that time, maybe the 1st little guy won't be yelling at me to play with him incessantly. Or maybe I'm just delusional.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Just Miserable . . . From Head to Toe

I feel like I've done nothing but complain this entire pregnancy . . . so why stop now? I woke up this morning with a horrible sinus headache. I don't know if my allergies are kicking in because I'm super-sensitive now that I'm pregnant or if I've caught yet another cold from the little guy. Either way, the entire right side of my head hurts and I'd just like to chop it off. It's bad enough that I've pretty much been sick since January with sinus infections and colds, but I thought it was finally Spring here in New Jersey and I was past all the colds, flus and infections. What the hell is going on? Is it ever going to warm up here on the East Coast? Will Spring ever arrive or are we just going to cruise right into summer weather? Don't get me wrong - I enjoy the warm weather and wouldn't mind a couple of 80 degree days. But for crying out loud, enough with the cold weather. My body just can't take it anymore. Something's got to give - either the weather has to change or this baby has to arrive. Everything hurts from head to toe.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Preschool Proposition

There's been much talk lately about preschool programs and whether or not they're actually helpful in your child's life. With the Obama administration discussing government-funded preschool, parents and critics alike seem to be debating this issue. I'm a proponent of preschool. My almost 3 year old is just finishing up his first year of preschool, and I think it's done wonderful things for him. Of course, I have nothing to compare it to, but he's learning to speak French, he's very verbal and he seems very happy when I pick him up from school. On the other hand, he only goes to school 2 mornings/week and he still, after 7 months, gives me a hard time about going. He tells me he wants to stay home with me. I think if he went to school every day, it would be easier. He would know the drill: he goes to school in the morning and comes home with me in the afternoon. I simply don't think 2 days is enough of a routine to get him wanting to go. If he were to go next year, he would go 3 half-days/week. Herein comes the dilemma. We are all victims of the economic disaster wreaking havoc on our country and, quite frankly, the preschool the little guy attends is rather expensive. This is where government-funding for preschools is a good thing. It would help during hard economic times. It would give every child a fair shot at learning the same thing at the same time instead of just the well-off families with the ability to pay for preschool. Here's the catch though. With government-funded preschool, everyone would be paying for it instead of just those who actually choose to send their children to preschool. On top of that, I wonder what government-funded preschool would look like. I doubt the little guy would be learning French. And I'm not so sure how verbal he would be in a large class. I'm at a cross-roads with what to do with the little guy next year. Some people believe kids should stay kids for as long as possible since they have many years of schooling ahead of them when they HAVE to go to school at the age of 5. I've been told preschool is just glorified, expensive babysitting. I really don't believe that, especially the school the little guy goes to now. I suppose I could find a French babysitter, or a Chinese babysitter, or an any-language babysitter, but it's just different. The interaction is different with one babysitter vs. a teacher and 10 children. The earlier children get used to classrooms and structure and other children, the more well-prepared and well-rounded they will be later in life. By the same token, I can do without the constant runny nose and coughing. But that's a whole other topic . . .

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

40 and Pregnant

I have to say being 40 and pregnant sucks. I was 37 when my first was born, and I thought that was rough. This is bordering on ridiculous. Not only am I a high-risk pregnancy because of my age, therefore requiring every possible test known to mankind for pregnant women, but my body is just hurting. It's difficult to walk because my hips are in pain. It's difficult to sleep because my hips are in pain. It's difficult to sit because . . . well, just because. I was never a big girl, exercised on a regular basis, and pretty much kept fit. Could I have been fitter before getting pregnant, yes. Could I have strengthened my muscles like my husband recommended, yes. But I was by no means "out of shape" or "overweight." Who knew carrying a baby was so painful? Probably every woman who was ever pregnant but for some reason forgets all the misery involved. I admit, I'm guilty of that. I remember feeling so sick during my first pregnancy, and then after the birth going to my ob/gyn on my first 6 week visit asking when it was safe for me to get pregnant again. What was I thinking?!?! Granted, I wanted another child. I felt my little guy should have a sibling and I wanted a baby girl. But it seems it takes my body 2 years to get pregnant. I'm not sure why, and there's no scientific study done on me, but I've had 3 pregnancies and each time took about 2 years to come to fruition. Be that as it may, here I am at 40 and feeling simply miserable. This is exactly what I wanted, another child, but I'm so tired and my body hurts so much, I just want to cry some days. And some days I do. While being pregnant with 7 weeks and counting to go until my due date, I probably wouldn't recommend getting pregnant to an "older" woman. Yet I have a sneaking suspicion that after I give birth, I will probably forget the bad stuff and think it wasn't so awful. I've told friends and family to remind me of all my complaining and agonizing over these past 9 months so that I would be dissuaded from doing this again. Somehow, I don't think those reminders will matter. If all goes well, I just might think it's worth it to try again for that baby girl.

No more filtering

I've created this blog as a concrete way of expressing myself without any more filters. For the past 10 years or so, I feel like I've had a filter on the things I say and the things I do. I basically changed the fundamental parts of myself and, quite honestly, I just don't like it anymore. Now that I'm married almost 8 years, a mom of an almost 3 year old boy with another one due in 7 weeks, I really don't feel the need to filter anymore. I don't think it would be setting a good example for my kids - and I don't think it's healthy for me. So here I am, 40 years old, and committing myself to no more filtering. Welcome to my unfiltered world!